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C468 ■ ^ I 

Copy 1 AMES' SERIES OF ^^ 

^ANDARD AND MINOR DRAMA, 

No. 257. 



CAUGHT 

IN THE ACT 



( COMEDY. ) 



WITH CAST OP CHARACTERS, ENTRANCES, AND KXITS, RBLATIVE POSITIONS OF 
THE PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, DESCRIPTION OP COSTUMES AND 
THE WHOLE OP THE STAGE BUSINESS, CAREFULLY KARiC- 
KD PROM THE MOST APPROVED ACT- 
ING COPY. 



PRICE 15 CENTS. 



CLYDE, OHIO: 
^ AMES' PUBLISHING CO, ^ 



No goods sent C. O. D. Payment MUST accompany all order 



^ ALPHABETICAL LIST DP ^ 

S-HiEs' -Eiiitinn nf Plays. 

• ♦« rvSa-i •♦• 

FIFTEEN CENTS EACH UNLESS OTHERWISE MARKED. 



2 

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39 
43 

100 
125 

89 
113 
226 

14 
160 
161 

60 
152 
173 
143 
176 
162 
117 
207 

52 

76 
141 

26 
191 
194 



9 

46 

227 

211 

163 

91 

36 

34 

229 

223 

81 

85 

83 

196 

29 

18 

10 

45 

79 

144 

67 

97 

119 

92 

112 

71 

105 

7 

201 

193 

200 

121 



U. V. 

DRAMAS. 

A Desperate Game 3 2 

After Ten Years 7 5 

A Life's Revenge 7 5 

Arrah de Baugh 7 5 

Aurora E'loyd 7 2 

Auld Robin Gray 25c 13 8 

Beauty of Lj'ons U 2 

Bill Detriek 7 3 

Brae, the Poor House Girl.... 4 4 

Brigands of Calabria 6 1 

Conn; or. Love's Victory 11 3 

Dora : 5 2 

Driven to the Wall 10 3 

Driven from Home 7 4 

East Lynne 8 7 

Emigrant's Daughter 8 3 

Factory Girl 6 3 

Fielding Manor 9 6 

Hal Hazard, 25c 10 3 

Heroic Dutchman of '76 8 3 

Henry Graiiden 11 8 

How He Did It 3 2 

Hidden Treasures 4 2 

Hunter of the Alps 9 4 

Hidden Hand 15 7 

Liglits and Shadows of the 

Great Rebellion, 25c 10 5 

Lady of Lyons 12 5 

Lady Audley's Secret 6 4 

Mun and Wife 12 7 

Maud's Peril. ...^.. 5 3 

Midnight Mistake 6 2 

Miriam's Crime 5 2 

Michael Erie 8 3 

Miller of Dcrwent Water 5 2 

Mistletoe Bough 7 3 

Mountebanks (The) 6 2 

Old Honesty 5 2 

Old Phil's Birthday 5 3 

Outcast's Wife 12 3 

Out on the World 5 4 

Oath Bound 6 2 

Painter of Ghent 5 3 

Poacher's Doom 8 3 

Reverses 12 6 

Rock Allen 5 3 

Spy of Atlanta, 25c 14 3 

Thekla 9 4 

The Fal?e Friend 6 1 

The Fr.tal P.Iow 7 1 

The Forty-Niners 10 4 

The (^f ntlcuian in Black 9 4 

The New Mngdalen 8 3 

The Reward of Crime 5 3 

Through Snow and Sunshine 6 4 

The Vow of the Ornani 7 1 

Ticket of Leave Man 9 3 

Toodles 7 2 

Uncle Tom':5 Cabin 15 7 

Will-o'-the-Wisp, 9 4 



168 
136 



41 Won at Last 7 

192 Zion 7 

TEMPERANCE PLAYS. 

73 At Last 7 

75 Adrift 5 

187 Aunt Dinah's Pledge 6 

202 Drunkard [The] 13 

185 Drunkari's Warning 6 

189 Drunkard's Doom 15 

181 Fifteen Years of a Drunk- 
ard's Life 13 

183 Fruits of the Wine Cup 6 

104 Lost 6 

146 Our Awful Aunt „ 4 

53 Out in the Streets «... 6 

51 Rescued « 5 

59 Saved 2 

102 Turn of the Tide 7 

63 Three Glasses a Day 4 

62 Ten Nights in a Bar-Room. .. 7 

58 Wrecked 9 

COMEDIES. 

A Pleasure Trip ". 7 

A Legal Holiday 5 

124 An Afflicted Family 7 

178 Caste 5 

199 Home 4 3 

174 Love's Labor Not Lost 3 3 

149 New Years in N. Y 7 

37 Not So Bad After All 6 

237 Not Such a Fool as He Looks 6 

126 Our Daughters 8 

114 Passions 8 

219 Rags and Bottles 4 

221 Solon Shingle 14 

87 The Biter Bit 3 

TRAGEDIES. 

16 The Serf 

FARCES AND COMEDIETTAS. 

129 Aar-u-ag-oos 2 

132 Actor and Servant 1 

12 A Capital Match 3 

166 A Texan Mother-in-Law 4 

30 A Day Well Spent 7 

169 A Regular Fix 2 

80 Alarmingly Suspicious...^ 4 

78 An Awful Criminal 3 

65 An Unwelcome Return 3 

31 'A Pet of the Public 4 

21 A Romantic Attachment 3 

123 A ThriMing Item 3 

20 A Tickot of Leave 3 

175 Betsey Baker 2 

8 Better Half ^ 5 

86 Black vs. White 4 

22 Captain Smith 3 3 

84 Cheek Will Win 3 



6 3 



225 Cupi 's Capers. 



49 Der Two Surprises 1 



j5 



CaUH&T IN THE ilCT 

A COMEDY, 

IN THREE ACTS, 



Adopted from the French for M'lle Marie Aimee, 



By Newtnn GhisnGll, 

Author of, ''A Thrilling Item,'' "The Cigarette," ''A Pleasure Trip," etc, 

TO WHICH IS ADDED 

A DESCRIPTION OF TIIK COSTUMES— CAST OF THE CHARACTERS-. 

ENTRANCES AND EXITS— RELATIVE POSITIONS OF THE 

PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, AND THE WHOLE 

OF THE STAGE BUSINESS. 

( DFC 24iPP« ^ 



^Entered according to act of Congress in ilie year 1888, hy 

ANTES' PUBLISHING CO. 

in the office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington. 




CLYDE, OHIO : 

AMES' PUBLISHING CO 






^K^'' 



CAUGHT IN THE ACT 



Cast of characters as first produced on any stage, Dec. 9.J^, 1SS6, at the 

Brush Street Theatre, San Francisco, Cal., 

under Mr. ChisnelVs direction, 

Mrs. Eose Johnson, 3Iarie Aimee, 

Susan Clipper, Jennie Williams. 

Mrs. Dr. Boliver, Ada Lawrent. 

EUBENSTEIN JOHNSON, T. H. BumS. 

Adonis Montague, A. D. Campo, 

Dr. Boliver, J. S. 3Iarble. 

Fake Gilcy, Newton Chisnell. 

Flip, L. Victor. 

Isaac Cud aver, Collin Varry, 

JoiqAH Bilkins, T. W. Broioning. 



TIME OF EEPKESENTATION-2 HOUES. 



STAGE BIBEGTIONS. 

»., means Right; L.,Left; e. h., Right Hand, l. h.. Left Hand; c, Centre; s. a; 
2dE.,] Second Entrance; XJ. e., Upper Entrance; m. d., Middle Door;/., tha Flit; 
». F., Door in Flat; e. c, Right of Centre; l. c, Left of Centre. 

t» K' c. C. L. c. n. 

*i* Tlie reader is supposed to be upon the Stage facing the audienca. 



.^P'^2-ooea^-' 



Caught in the KgI. 

ACT I. 

SCENE I. — A cafe icith an caviling and tables, l. A house, n., 
showing ^^No. 7" and a deiHist's sign above the door. At back per- 
spective of a street running toioards r. Flip discovered at back, 
speaking off stage. Dr. Bohver seated at table. 

Flip. Yes, Miss Evelina, have no fear. I'll give him your mes- 
sage, {coming down) She's a sweet little girl, mashed on the piano 
and on the professor that gives her lessons. He's a gay dog, this 

Rnbenstein Johnson, hut if his little French wife ever catches him 

there'll be war in the camp! Ah, these musicians are all alike, {seeing 
Dr. Boliver, ivho is seated at a table ransacking his portfolio for 
papers) Well, well, what is it? 

Dr. Boliver. {astonished) Hey? 

Flip, {wiping table iKith his napkin) Beer? Cigars? Ham sand- 
wich ? 

Bol. Go away, you make me tired ! I don't want anything. 

Flip. This old fellow calls himself a customer of the estliblish- 
ment. He hasn't spent a cent since I've worked here. 

{exit into cafe 

BoK I'm in fine state of mind for ( looking over papers) a man 
who is to give a ball this evening. Good gracious, what a bother I 
I am almost out of my head. But my wife, Mrs. B. insists npon it*. 
She said that in order to marry our niece we must introduce her to 
society. This is not my own opinion because my niece Cleopatra is 
very highly accomplished. She sings, plays, sews and cooks like an 
angel— unfortunately, however, she does not look like an angel, beino- 
red-haired, cross-eyed and pigeon-toed. Nevertheless, I have yielded 
to the desire of my wife and am issuing invitations for our ball this 
evening, (reciting) "Dr. and Mrs. Dr. Boliver politely request the 
honor of your presence at their house— no, residence, on the nio-ht of 
the 14th inst. for a social hop." I have half a mind to add T'^Dr. 
Boliver continues to give consultations at his office from 12 to 4". It 
would help to advertise me. (sits down and calls) Waiter! 

Enter, Flip, from cafe. 

Flip. Well, well! Beer? Cigars? Ham sandwiches? 

(wiping table with napkin 
Bol. (aside) He's a nuisance with his ham sandwiches! (aloud) 
Give me pen and ink. ' 



4 C AUGHT IN THE ACT, 

Flip. Very well, sir, very well ! 
Bol 

Enter, Fake Gilcy, back r. h 



J, » ^'■J .. x^^-ij .^•-.j •-^-J ,,„-.. 

{gets pen and ink from ivindow; then sits at a table, reads paper 
. {writing) Ah, I have it ! This is a brilliant idea. 



Fake. Oh, Lord, how I suffer! Oh, dear! Oh, dear! {handker- 
chief to his face) Somebody told me there was a dentist in this street. 
Oh, dear! Oh, dear! {calling) Waiter! 

Flip, {hurrying to him) Well, well, what is it? Beer, cigars, 
ham sandwich? 

Fake. Sandwich? Xo! A dentist, quick, a dentist! 

Flip. A dentist? There right before you. Will you have any- 
thing else? 

Fake. Thsniks. {icaiter sits again) Oh, dear, how I suffer! {stops 
suddenly) Well, well, this is funny ! The i^ain has gone ; the ache 
has stopped — entirely. I would be ver,y silly to have a tooth pulled 
that does not trouble me. Fifty cents saved ! {calling) Waiter ! 

Flip, {rising and running to him) Well, what is it? 

Fake. It's all right now, {going) the pain is gone ! 

Flip. Well, what the devil is that to me? (Fake exits l. 3 e. 

Bol. {finishing ivriting) There, that is all finished. The invita- 
tions are all ready, all that is left now is to find people to accept 
them — young and unmarried — there are plenty of nice little fellows 
who frequent this French cafe — I will artfully pump the waiter. 

{rapping on table 

Flip, {wiping off table) Beer, cigars, ham sandwiches? 

Bol. If you don't stop ham sandwiching me I'll withdraw my 
custom from this establishment. 

Flip. Your custom? Why, you've never ordered anything since 
I've been here. 

Bol. I am now about to ask for 

Flip. Ah ! Beer, cigars, ham 

Bol. A little information — who and what is that Mr. Harris who 
is eating at that table ? 

{pointing to some one in cafe, the door of which is open 

Flip. He is — a young man. 

Bol. What does he do ? 

Flip. He is eating ham and eggs at present. 

Bol, Is he married? 

Flip. I don't know. 

Bol. And the young man with him— what is he ? 

Flip. The best fifteen ball pool player in New York. 

Bol. Is he married? 

Flip. I never asked him. 

Bol» And Mr. Bilkins who comes here, what do you know of 
him? 

Flip. Ah, he's one of the boys ! 

Bol. Is he? What time does he usually get here? 

Flip. He's never late, and this is near his time. 

Bol. Then I'll wait for him ! Ah ! tell me, w alter 

Flip. Well? 

Bol. Do you know of a nice appearing young man with activity, 
ifciitelligence, a clean shirt and a pair of gloves? 

Flip* What for? 



CAUGHT IN THE ACT, t 

Bol, To pass refreshments. T am giving a ball this evening, and 
as I have no man servant 

Flip. Ha! I'm your man — this is my evening off, 

BoL You ? Have you a pair of gloves ? 

Flip. Oh, yes, indeed! black ones, and a clean shirt, too! 

Bol. All right! I engage you. Be on hand at eight o'clock, 
sharp ; here is 'my address. {gives him a card 

Enter, Adonis Montague, r. 

Montague. Waiter, a cup of chocolate. 

Flip. All right, sir ! {exit into cafe 

Bol. Dear me, that's Mr. Montague ! 

Mont, (aside) That fool of a doctor! (aloud, shaking his hand) 
Ah, yes I how do you do? Bat I'm very busy — I have an interview 
with my architect at two o'clock precisely. 

(taking out loatch and coming down R. 

Bol. . (aside, taking out his portfolio) He is a bachelor — he is an 
architect. He goes down on my list of guests, (hurrying to Mon- 
tague, u'ho goes up stage to enter cage) My dear Mr. Montague, will 
you do me the great honor of accepting 

Mont. What? 

Bol. An invitation to a select little family loarty. There will be 
dancing — my niece Cleopatra will sing. 

Mont, (aside) Confound his impudence I (aloud) I'm very sorry, 
but it will be utterly impossible 

BoL 'J'hen after supper 

Mont. Ah ! Supper— I accept your invitation with pleasure ! 

(enters cafe 

Bol. There won't be any supper ! I only told him so to get him 
to come. 

Flip, (coming from caje — seeing a customer arrive) 
Mr. Bilkins ! 

BiLKiNS, enters from the r., goes toioards cafe. . 

Bol. He is a bachelor— has a moustache. Well, he goes down on 
my list, {alo^ld to Bilkins) Excuse me, Avould you like to see the 
morning Herald? 

Bilkins. (harsh voice) Ko; newspapers make my headache! 
Waiter, "rum and milk !" (enters cafe ivith Flip 

Bol. He has a very pleasant way with him. I will give him an 
invitation to my ball. (follows Bilkins and Flip into caf6 

Enter, :Mes. Johnson at hack, speaking off as she enters. 

3Irs. Johnson. To the right? first turning? Thank you, sir! 
(coming down eo:amines the numbers on houses; stops on seeing No. 7) 
No sensible person can deny that husbands as a 2:eneral are hum- 
bugs. I speak now particularly of my own, Mr. Rubenstein John- 
son, whose only merit is that he knows how to pla^ the fiddle. Mr. 
Johnson has of late fallen into a strange habit of talking in his* sleep' 
and last evening I was awakened by hearing him distinctly utter 
these words— "Evelina, no. 7, Hotmuflin street." I could not be- 
lieve my ears. I thought that 1 was dreaming and so 1 fell asleep 
but an hour later I heard him muttering the same words "Evelina* 
No. 7, Hotmuffin street." (in a rage) Ah! I am a patient little 



6 CAUGHT IN THE A T. 

woman, very patient, but Mr. Johnson mustn't presume too much 
on my simplicity. I was tormented the rest of tlie night w ith a hor- 
rible' nightmare, a kiricl combination of daggers, pistols, bottles of 
poison and police courts. This morning my liusband serenely in- 
lormed me that he would not be home for dinner because he Avas 
engaged to play for a musical entertainment at Walnut Grove Com- 
mon, jS'O. 56. I begin to smell a mouse. I jump into a stage, I 
arrive at Walnut Grove Common. Where is No. 56? There is no 
IsTo. 56. Do you know why? There are only two houses in Walnut 
Grove Common, and the first is now being pulled dovrn. The exis- 
tence of the mouse I smelled was established beyond a doubt. I 
take the omnibus again and at last here I am, "Ko. 7, Hotmuffiii 
street." (pointing to house) So there's where Miss Evelina lives, is 
it? Two things are certain :— if my husband has arrived before me, 
I'll catch him when he comes out and if he is not here yet I'll catch 
him when he comes. I'll spoil his little game if I have to wait here 
all night. You've played me a fine joke, mj'- lovely husband, but 
we will see who laughs last. (icalks up and down bade 

Enter, Montague, from cafe, c, staring at Mrs. Johnson. 

3Iont. (aside) Charming, charming creature ! 

Mrs. J. [aside, continuing her loalk) What's that fellow staring 
at me so for, I wonder ? 

Mont. What a "Vacht-am-Rhein" she is, to be sure ! 

3Irs. J. (aside) Ah I he's one of the Fourteenth street mashers, I 
suppose. He annoys me. (still ivalking 

Mont, {aside) I must form her acquaintance — she is lovely! 
(advances towards her, bowing) Madame 

Mrs. J. Don't bother me, my poor man, I've no money for you' 
(going aside, r.) My gay husband, I shall not go far ! 

(she disappears r., for a moment 

Mont, (to himself) Magnificent figure ! I'm sorry I have an en- 
gagement with my architect. (enters room JSfe. 7 

Enter, Rubenstein Johnson, back l., carrying an iimbrella in one 
hand and a lobster under his arm. Enters laughing. 

Bubenstein. I laugh — I am a base villain stricken with remorse, 
and yet I laugh when 1 think that my wife believes me at I^o. 56 
Walnut Grove Common, while I am — (smells lobster and makes wry 
face) Bah I — while I am not there at all. Yet I am very fond of 
my wife. I fell in love with her when I first saw her from my seat 
in the orchestra dancing in short clothes in a French Opera Boulfe 
company and I resolved to convert pretty Kose Mignon into Mrs. 
Rubenstein Johnson. She was too French to understand me when I 
first approached her, but love has a language of its own which I 
fiatter myself I speak very Avell. Eose understood me and we be- 
came one. Why, dear me, I would jump in the fire for her— and 
yet — I don't know why — but it is very difficult for me to love no one 
but her — difficult? It is impossible ! (smelling lobster) Confound 
it! A true musician can't content himself by constantly playing 
the same tune; for myself I love new music and just at this moment 
I am very fond of a piano symphony, called "Evelena," who in turn 
is very fond of lobster salad, (smelling it) Bah! I must have had 
a severe cold in the head when I bought this, but with plenty of 
mustard Evelena will think it is fresh from the sea. 



CAUGHT 7iV THE ACT. 7 

Enter, Flip, from cafe. 

Hub. {seeing Flip) Ah ! Flip, is she at home ? 
Flip. Ko, sir ; she has gone out. 
Hub. What? Gone out? 

Flip. She will not be long and asked me to tell you to wait for 
her. Here is the key. 
Voice from cafe. Waiter ! 

Flip. Here, sir! {enters cafe, c. 

Bub. Before she comes I will go in the house and make the salad. 

{is about to enter house 

He-enter, Mrs. Johnson, from l. Lowers her veil ivithout seeing 

RUBENSTEIN. 

Mrs. J. At last that disagreeable masher has disappeared. 

{begins her march 

Bub. {seeing her; aside) Dear me, what a charming little woman ! 
It's wrong but I can't resist ! I think it will be pleasanter to wait 
for Evelena here, {approaching her) Madame 

Mrs. J. {aside) My husband! Oh, the scoundrel! 

Bub. {very pleasantly) I beg your pardon, madame, but you 
have no doubt lost your way in this strange quarter of the city and 
if I could 

Mrs. J. {disguising her voice) Oh, yes, sir, thank you ! I am 
trying to find the Susan B. Anthony Institute for young ladies. 

Bub. {aside) I wonder if she is a literary woman ? I have heard 
they all wear blue stockings— I wonder if it is true, {aloud) Oh, I 
know where you mean, but you are a long way from there and it 
you will permit me to conduct you 

Mrs. J. {in an assumed voice) If I thought it would not appear 
improper 

Bub. Improper ! Why, you are modesty itself and I am the soul 
of honor, {aside) Damn that veil ! She may be as ugly in face as 
she is beautiful in form, {aloud) This veil, madam, no doubt 
conceals a most beautiful face. If you would permit me only to 
raise a corner of it, 

3Irs. J. Oh, sir, you flatter me! {he completely raises veil 

Bub. {stupified; aside) Heavens and earth ! my wife ! 

Mrs. J. {folding arms and posing before him) Kow, sir, explain 
yourself ! 

Bub. {with assumed confidence) Ha, ha! Why, I knew you all 
the time. 

3Irs. J. Tut ! tut ! tut ! 

Bub. Of course I did! I knew you by that pretty blue dress 
Which I bought you last Christmas. 

Mrs. J. {seeing lobster) AVhat is that you have there? 

Bub. This? Oh, it's a little present I bought this morning for 
you.» 

Mrs. J. L(Obster! Now you know of all things in the world I 
hate a lobster. 

Bub. What? You don't like it? {starting to go) Then I'll take 
it back. 

Mrs. J. Don't be in a hurry ! Give it to me ! 

{talcing lobster puts it on table of the cafe 

Bub» {aside) Confiscated ? That settles Evelena's salad ! 



8 CAUGHT IN THE ACT. 

Mrs. J. (seriously) Mr. Johnson! 

i?«&. (someivhat intimidated) My darling Rose- — 

3Irs. J. We will now have a little family talk, if you please ! 

Bub. With pleasure ! (aside) Lord ! If Evelena should come 
now I 

Mrs. J. Have you forgotten what I said to you the day of our 
marriage? 

Hub. Not at all. You said "Ruben, dear " 

3frs. J. I told you to be seated and then I addressed you in these 
-words :— "Mr. Johnson, we are now one. We have just sworn mu- 
tual fidelity." 

Bub. That was your langaage. 

Mrs. J. "But," said I, "1 don't understand that this oath is bind- 
ing on my side alone." 

Bub. "JS^either do I," was the earnest reply I made to you. 
"Neither do I." 

Mrs. J. I was born in France, 

Bub. Very true, Rose, my dear I It does you credit. 

3Irs. J. That may be, but French women have very fixed ideas 
of the reciprocal rights and duties of husband and wife. 

Bub. (aside) Oh, heavens ! If Evelena should find me now ! 

3Irs. J. (continuing) There are men who legard their wives as 
nothing but ilttle machines for sewing on buttons and mending 
sock?. 

Bub. (assuming indignation) Oh, the monsters ! 

Mrs. J. They marry their wives, they deceive them, they desert 
them. 

Bub. Very true I There are men of susceptible natures who for- 
get themselves. 

3Irs. J. Very well, and we women? Do you think we are made 
of putty or paper mache? I claim the same right for the wife— the 
right to forget herself. 

Bub. (laughing) Ha, ha, ha! That would be a pretty notion. 

3Irs. J. And why not? 

Bub. Consider the consequences ! The consequence are not the 
same. 

3Irs. J. (impetuously) I don't consider that a reason. Man and 
wife are like a team of horses hitched to a cart. The time for them 
to reflect is before getting in the traces— but once there— they are 
fixed, and if one of the two bi-eaks away from the marriage cart, the 
other would be a fool to drag the cart alone. She should at once 
throw ofl' the harness and let the cart take care of itself— that is my 
theorv. 

Bub. (aside) She is French— so is her theory ! 

Mrs. J. An eye for an eye— a tooth for a tooth ! Is it agreed ? Do 
we understand each other? 

Bub. Undoubtedly! Yes, certainly! 

Mrs. J. (extending her hand) Shake on it! ^ 

Bub. Ah ! But— that is 

Mrs. J. You hesitate ! Take care or I may think yoti are de^ 
ceiving me. 

Bub. Me? The idea! Come, 1 agree — I agree Avith both hands.- 
(shakes her hand heartily; aside) If Evelena should appear now! 

Mrs. J. On the faith of an honest woman I will not be the first tO 
break our agreement. 



CAUGHT IN THE ACT. § 

Huh. I should hope not! 

Mrs. J. But if 1 over catch you deceiving me— look out— you 
know what to expect I 

Jiiib. (aside) You'll never catch me! 

Mrs. J. Where are you going now ? Let's go home ! 

Bub. (feigning great annoyance) Impossible, my dear, impossi- 
ble ! It is near the time for that concert I agreed to attend. 

Mrs. J. Ah ! at Walnut Grove Common. 

Hub. Yes, at No. 56 — a most magnificent residence. 

Mrs. J. (aside) Oh, I'd like to strangle him ! 

Hub. (tenderly) Rose, my dear, you know I would much rather 
spend the evening at your side befoie our snug little lire. 

3Irs. J. (aside) "Before our snug little lire!" (aloud) Well 
then, good-bye— I'm going home and wait for you there. ' 

(both go up stage 

Hub. Do, my angel, do! I'll hurry off to Walnut Grove Com- 
T^ion. (exit, opposite sides; she takes lobster 

Hub. (returning — throwing her a kiss) Bye, bye ! 

Mrs. J. (same business) Ta! ta! (aside; aoing o/T l.) The 
traitor! 

Hub. (aside) She is perfectly satisfied ! 

In going off l., runs against Fake Gilcy, who enters from r. 

—You idiot ! ^^^^^ 

Fake, (looking off; handkerchief to mouth) An idiot, am I you 

raving maniac ! (coming down) Well, here I am once more ! Waiter ! 

Enter, Flip, running in from cafe. 

Flip. Well, sir? 

Fake. It aches again. 

Flip, (angrily) Well, what the devil is that to me? 

^ , ^, , , , ^ {sits at table 

Fake. Oh, dear me, dear me ! I must have it out now— I can't 

suffer like this ! (puts hand on knob of No, 1— stops) Why it's o-one ' 

Oh, no ! dear me ! Here it is again I (heroically) Be a m'an Gilcv ? 

It must come out ! (e,^^g^; ^^^ "^ ' 

Enter, Rubenstein, hurriedly, r. 

Hub. (goes up) I just saw her turn the corner of the street. It's 
all right. She suspects nothing. In the royal arms of En'o-land 
there is a French motto, "Evil be to him who evil thinks," by which 
I console myself with the reflection that I am doing no wrom'- for if 
the existence of evil depends on thinking so, lor the same reason as 
my wife does ?io« think so, there is no evil in what I am doino- i 
admit this logic is a trifle confused, but it consoles me. I'm sorrv 
she took away my lobster. What shall I give Evelena instead ^ 
(sees Flip) Ah, Flip! (Flip rises) Two dishes of ice creani— no*' 
one dish of ice cream and two spoons. 

Flip. All right, sir ! 

Hub." Has Evelena returned? 

Flip. Not yet, sir. 

Hub. Then never mind the ice cream. I will give her taffy In 
Stead. ^ ^^nters No. { 



1.0 CAU. Ill IN THE ACT, 

Enter, Mrs. Johnson, hack l. 3 e., as Rubenstein enters No. 7. 
Slie has the lobster under her arm; stopping at hack. 

3Irs. J. He's just gone in ! Oh, the monster! I must have hiin 
out! (calling) Waiter I 

Flip. Madam! (coming to her 

3Irs. J. Here's a half a dollar for yon. Dear me ! I've lost my 
purse ! Xever mind ! {breaking off claio of lobster) Here, this is for 
yourself. 

Flip. A lobster fin! 

Mrs. J. Go into that house and bring out the gentleman who has 
just gone in. 

Flij). Yes, ma'am! [crossing l. 

3Irs. J. Tell him — tell him some one wants to see him. 

Flij}. Very well, ma'am ! (aside, looking at lobster claxo) This 
is a very funny present for a waiter. 

(imts claio in his pocket and enters the house 

Mrs. JonNSON goes towards cafe, sits at table near front on ichich is 
a neiospaper which she thoughtlessly tears in her rage. 

3Irs. J. Ah, the heartless villain ! But this time — ah, this time I 
have caught him ! [continues to tear paper 

Enter, Dr. Boliver, from cafe, hat in his hand. 

Bol. Where is that paper? (^o Mrs. Johnson) Ah! After 5^0 u 
are through with the Herald, ma'am, if there is anything left of it — 

Mrs. J. I am through with it ! 

[throws pieces of the paper in his hat 

Bol. Many thanks I [aside — re-entering the cafe) This woman is 
somewhat excited. 

Enter, Fake Gilcy and Flir from house No. 7. 

Fake. It's out— I've got it in my pocket ! 

Flip, [pointing to Gilcy) Here is the gentleman ! 

3Irs. J. Ah ! 

Starting to c, holding lobster under her arm; comes face to face xoith 
Fake, vjho is holding handkerchief to his face. 

■—This is not the man. 

Fake. Well, here I am ! 

Mrs. J. Hev ? What do you want of me ? 

Fake. I ? Nothing. 

Mrs. J. [to Flip) Waiter! This is not the man I want to see. 
Be kind enough to go back and bring out the other gentleman. Take 
this for your trouble. [giving him a second lobster claio 

Flip. Another fi.n ! 

(puts it in his pocket and re-enters house No. 7 

Fake, (to Mrs. Johnson) Please consider for a moment, madam, 
that I've just lost a tooth and have dyspepsia — yes, madam, dys- 
pepsia. 

3Irs. J. Go on, take a walk — you and your dyspepsia. 



CAUGHT IN THE ACT. U 

Fake, {with dignity) I am going, ma'am, I am going. I am 
very glad indeed you sent for me. Our interview lias been a source 
of great pleasure and profit to me. {aside, going) Tliis lady is in- 
clined to be nervous. {exit back, R. 

Mrs. J. {loalking up and down excitedly and breaking off lobster 
claivs) Oh ! Oh !— oh, although I'm not usually an excitable wo- 
man, I feel at this moment 

Enter, Flip. 

Flip. Madam, here is the gentleman. 

3Irs. J. Very well; take this, {giving him claio) Oh, I'll scratch 
his eyes out ! 

Flip, {smelling lobster) The Flip family'll have lobster soup for 
dinner next Sunday, {entering cafe 

Enter, Montague, from house No. 7, with umbrella. 

3Irs. J. {seising him by arm, throwing him r.) Monster! 

Mont. Oh, oh ! 

Mrs. J. {aside) Why this is the wrong man ! 

Mont, {aside) The little woman I met a moment ago. {aloud — 
eagerly) Tell me, madam, how I can serve you. I am entirely at 
j^'our disposal. 

Mrs. J. I am very sorry, sir, but this is all a mistake. 

Mont. You are waiting for some one ? 

Mrs. J. {very agitated and crossing, speaking to herself) Yes, some 
one who does not seem anxious to meet me, Mr. Johnson — my hus- 
band — a perfect brute ! 

Mont. That's a matter of very little consequence. If you will 
allow me to replace him. {offers arm 

Jlrs. J. {turning back to him, crossing and continuing her march) I 
do not know you. I don't want to talk to you. 

Mont, {aside) I shan't give her up yet. {following her) Madam! 

Mrs. J. {to herself) And I must be faithful that he may deceive 
and ill treat me. 

Mont. Deceive you — you ! 

3Irs. J. It's shameful, isn't it? 

Mont. It is outrageous and cries for vengeance. Let me assist 
you ? 

Mrs. J. {aside) Oh, yes ! I'll be revenged and that before very 
long too ! 

Mont. If you need any assistance I trust you will give me the 
preference? 

Mrs. J. {looking at him) You? 

Mont, {smiling) Myself! 

3Irs. J. {resolutely) It's hard to tell what will happen, {looking 
at house) But wait— wait till he comes out. (planting herself in c. 
of stage) I'll wait here all night if necessary. 

Mont. So will I! {looks off) Confound it! Why, it's raining! 
{opening umbrella) My dear, let me protect you ! Where do you 
live ? 

Mrs. J. Will you let me alone ? You are always at my heels like 
a pug dog. I don't want to know you. {going towards cafe 

Mont, {aside) I shall not leave her. 

Mrs. J. {sitting at table, front) I will wait for him here, (calls) 
Waiter! (rapping on table) A milk punch! 



12 CAUGHT IN THE ACT. 

Mont, (sitting at same table opposite her) Waiter! Milk puncli! 
Mrs. J. (seizing paper tearing it into bits) Oh, oh, oh I 
Mont, (taking another paper tearing it in same manner) Oh, yes! 
Oh, yes ! Oh, yes ! 

Enter, Flip, carrying in tvso glasses of punch. 

Flip. Here is your punch! (seeing Mrs. Johxscx tearing paper) 
I beg pardon, madam, but a customer wants tlio Times. 

Mrs. J. (angrily) I have not finished with it. 

Mont, (angrily to Flip) Don't you see the lady is using the 
paper? (politely to Mrs. J oiiis son, offering her punch) Will you 
permit me ? 

Mrs. J, You here again ? Will you cease to torment me? 

Mont, (ivith passion) I am always at your service. 

Hub. (within house) Open the door, will you? 

Mrs. J. (aside) Ah, here he is at last I (rising) Waiter, how 
much do I owe you ? 

Mont, (rising hurriedly) Xever ! I will not permit it. Waiter, 
take no money "from this lady here; I'll pay. 

(exit, into cafe, making Flip go in with him 

hnter, Kubenstein Johnson from house No. 7, with umbrella. 

Bub. (opening umbrella — aside) Evelena is keeping me waiting a 
long time to-day. (seeing his wife) My wife ! 

Mrs. J. (posing herself before him with great quietness) Well, here 
you are and I have caught you. You remember our conversation a 
short time ago — "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth." 

Bub. (stammering) But I swear to you 

Mrs. J. (angrily) Say no more — don't speak another word. Give 
me that umbrella! (takes it from him and exit rapidly, r. 

Bub. (following her) My dear, one moment — Mrs. Johnson — 
Rose I (falls exhausted into chair at back) Caught ! 

Enter, Montague, hurriedly from cafe. 

Mont. Madam ! (not seeing her) Gone ! and I have not obtained 
her address. 

Bub. [to himself) Ah, poor Johnson! 

Mont, (aside — lively) Johnson — the husband! Good! He will 
give me her address, (going to him and affecting the most sincere sym- 
pathy) You are ill, sir. Perhaps you have met with an accident? 
Accept my arm. Where do you live? 

(they come down stage, Rubexstein leaning on Montague 

Bub. Thanks, very kind of you — I'm only a triile dizzy. 

Mont, (lively) Dizzy! Thfs is very serious! (calls) Waiter! 
Waiter ! A doctor, quick ! 

Bub. No, no! It's not as bad as that. 

Enter, Dr. Boliver and customers from cafe. 

Bol. Hello, hello! Here I am. What's the matter now? 

Mont, (heljnng JtvB-Ei^iS'rmN to chair in c.) This gentleman has 
just been seized with an epileptic fit— a stroke of apoplexy — (calling) 
Waiter, a glass of water, quick ! 

Bol. I have my instruments here; I will bleed him, 

Bub, (jumping up) ]Sfo you won't! 



CAUGHT IN THE ACT, IB 

Enter, Flip, icith glass of icater, gives it to Montague, and re-enters 

cafe, 

Bol. {recognizing Rubexstkin) AVliat, the leader of my orchestra ! 

Mont. (offering'UvBKSSTKis v'ater) Here, drink ! drink! 

Hub. (taking glass '.ncchanicallg) But to whom am I indebted for 
so much attention':' 

Mont. To Mr. Adonis Montaoue. 

Bub. (boicing) 3Iany thanks I [aside) This is a very obliging 
young man. (jmts glass to his I ijjs, then suddenly springing ^w and 
throwing contents of glass on those around him) Ah! 

Omnes. (wiping o^ icater) What is the matter? 

Bub. {to himself) While I sit here calmly drinking watei*— Avhat 
is my wife doing? If she should have commenced hostilities already! 
{going rapidly up back and calling off stage) Cab! Ho! Cab, here! 

{exit, E, 

Mont, {running after him) ^ayl hero! stop! 

Omnes. {same business) Say! l>ere ! stop! 

Bub. {crying outside) Cab — 33 Fan-dang street; hurry up, drive 
quickly! ' {T>\\.Bo\.ixj^Vi and others exit 

Mont, {stopping) 33 Fan-dang street ! {aside, coming down) la 
less than a week I will be victorious. Poor Johnson ! 

{rushes out after the others 

Enter, Flip, from cafe. 

Flip. Soup! soup! The soup is ready. Wliat — no one here? 
{going up, looks off i\.) Ah, there they are ! {crying) Soup! soup! 

{exit, L. 

END OF ACT I. 



ACT II. 

SCENE. — A dining room; three doors at the back; the one in the c. is 
the entrance to street. Two doors l., between tohich an ornamental 
piece of furniture over tchich hangs a mirror. The first of these 
L. doors opens into a bed-room, the second leads to kitchen and to a 
bade staircase. At k. 3 e., the door of closet; a hanging clock k. 
2 E.; a loindow opening in yard, e. e. Near window a small stand 
holding a work basket. An easy chair near stand — ordinary chairs; 
a small round table is set l. front; two lighted candles on piece of 
furniture, l. Susan discovered going to ivindow, e., tohich is open; 
noise heard e. 

Susan. Say, look here, you masons, bricklayers, hod carriers, 
whatever you are — make a little less noise, if youjdease. What do 
you say? {starting back) The impertinent puppy I He otlered me 
a glass of beer if I Avould give him a kiss. I wish thnt big ladder 
was taken away for I am afraid eveiy moment some of those im- 
pudent fellows Avill climb up and come in through the window. 
{shutting luindoiv) Dear me, what should I do the'n? {lookimf at 
clock) Half past seven and Mr. and Mrs. Johnson not home "yet. 
This morning Master Kubenstein no sooner left the house thaii 
madam started up, snatched her bonnet, darted out of the house like 
astreak of lightning, slamming the doors after her, bang, bang, bano-f 



^ OAUGET IN THE ACT. 

Enter Mrs. Johnson, c. d., vioienthj hanging door after her, 

Susan, {frightened) Gracious goodness! 

Mrs, J, {agitated) Susan ! 

Susan. Yes, madam. 

Mrs. J. Take this umbrella. 

Gives it to her; takes off hat and shaivl, throwing them angrihj on 
chair at hack. 

Susan, {aside) What's the matter with her? {aloud) Shall I 
bring in the dinner? 

3Irs. J. I'm not hungrj^— I can't eat. 

Susan. I couldn't get any veal, so I have broiled a nice piece of 

Mrs. J. {aside) Pork? Good— Jobnson can't bear the smell of it ! 

Susan. I also bought some lovely cream puffs that your husband 
is so fond of. 

Mrs. J. ^W\ them with mustard— hot mustard ! 

^Susan. {astonished) Mustard? 

3Irs. J. Yes; stuff them full— you hear me? Go, go! Do as I 
tell you. 

Susan, {aside) What in the world is the matter with her? 

{exit, L. 3 E, 

Mrs J. Oh, the villain, the scoundrel, the traitor! I'll not let 
him forget No. 7, Hot Mufhn street, and this Evelena— what is she? 
What do'es she do? Oh, I will know all about her! I'll make him 
tell me. {a light knock at door in hack) Ah, a knock! 

RuBENSTEiN half opcus the door and enters timidly into the room. He 
carries in his hand an enormous hoquet. 

—Here he is at last ! 

Buh. (aside) Oh dear, oh dear, how shall I ever get out of this 
scrape? 

3Irs. J. {aside, without turning) I can hardly keep my hands 
out of his hair. 

Ftuh. {at hack, coughing softly) Ahem, hum! (Mrs. Johnson 
not paying any attention to him) ^ Good afternoon— my dear— have 
you returned from your little walk? 

3Irs. J. {restraining herself) Yes, I have returned from my— 
little walk. 

Buh. So have I— I have returned and on my way here— as you 
love flowers {presenting hoquet) I bought this for you. 

3Irs. J. (takes hoquet, examines it a moment, then throios it over her 
shoulder) Tbanks ! 

Bub. {aside) The boquet hasn't made a hit. {aloud, presenting 
package from his pocket) I also bought you a delicious plum cake— I 
know you love plum cake. 

3Irs. J. (taking it and throwing it over her shoulder) Thanks! 

Bub. {aside) It won't work, (aloud) I have also bought you a 
gold watch, but I will give that to you some other time. 

Enter, Susan, l., with hoiol. 

Susan, This is the soup, (putting it on table) Mr. Adonis Mon- 
tague has sent to enquire how Mr. Johnson is feeling this morning. 



CAUGHT IN THE ACT, i5 

Hub, Thank him and say I am all right, (exit Susan, l.) He is the 
obliging gentleman who tools: such an interest in my health this 
morning. It is very kind of him to enquire after me, I'm sure. 
Come, Kose, my dear, to dinner, (sits at table) I only have an 
hour to spend with you before I must go to Dr. Boliver's ball. Will 
you sit down ? 
3Irs. J. I shall not dine to-day. 

Hub. {loith napkin at throat, rising) Come, come, my sweet little 
Eosy, posy. (tries to take her around the waist 

Mrs. J, {angrily pushing him aioay) Do not touch me. Go back 
to your Hot Muffin street girl. 

Bub. I? Oh, I see; you think I am guilty. I would be willing 
to bet almost anything that you think me guilty. 

Mrs. J. Have you cheek enough to stand there and tell me any 
more lies ? 

Bub. N'ot at all. I will be frank with you. I have nothing to 
conceal. That house in Hot Muffin street— I was there giving a 

lesson to one of my jDupils, a young man named 

Mrs, J. {interrupting him) Mr. Evelena? 

Bub, {aside) Oh, Lord, where did she find that out? {aloud) 
Evelena? that's the boy's mother, old Mrs. Evelena. She's a poor 
tottering old lady with green spectacles, who is always bobbing her 
head like this. {bobs ' head 

Mrs. J. Are you sure of that? 
Bub. Do you want me to swear to it? 

Mrs. J. Not at all, it's not necessary, {hurriedly takes her shawl 
and bonnet from back; returns to Hvreh^stein) We will go and see 
this old lady. Come, I am ready. ^ 

Bub, (aside) Oh, Lord! {aloiid) It's impossible this evenin"-, 
my dear, the poor old lady is sick abed. '^ 

3Irs. J, Do you think, Mr. Johnson, that you have married a 
little goose ? 

Bub. What? You don't believe me? What in the world can I 
say to satisfy you ? 
Mrs, J. There is only one thing that might reassure me— perhaps. 
Bub, And that is ? 
Mrs. J. A full and complete confession of Avhat you have done— 

but you don't seem inclined to do that (going towards bedroom 

Bub. (alarmed, folloviing her) Stay! all right, don't go away— 
I'll confess everything, but you will forgive me ? 
Mrs. J. (coming back) Go on ! 

Standing motionless, face to audience, not looking at Eucensteix dur- 
ing the following. 

Bub. Yes, I will. To begin, then, I have never ceased to love 
you — and if I got acquainted with this 

3Irs. J. (impatiently, tapping floor luith her foot) Goon! 

Bub. It is very painful to confess this to you — oh, if you knen' how 
hard it is for me to tell you — but you will forgive me, won't \'ou ? 

Mrs. J. Finish what you have to say. 

Bub. Yes, I will. As I said, I have never ceased to love you 
and if I have made the acquaintance of this young i^erson ' 

Mrs. J. (containing herself) Ah, she is young then? 

Bub. Ah, that is to say— but pock marked, horribly pock marked. 
I was attracted towards her by her earnest love of nuisic— there ! 



16 CAUGHT IN THE ACT, 

Mrs. J. Well, what next? 

Buh. She asked me to give her music lessons. During the first 
month ^Ye only got as far as the scale — clo, re, me, fa, sol, la si, do, — 
do, si, la, sol, fa, me, re, do. On mj^ word of honor we only got as 
far as the scale, because I have never ceased to love you. 

Mrs. J. What next? 

Buh. {getting more and more nervous) The second month she gave 
me a lock of iier hair, (taking a long tress of hair from his pocket) 
Here it is. (she takes it and throws it over her shoulder; aside) She is 
offended. 

Mrs, J. What next? 

Bub. (lowering voice and ivith great effort) The third month— the 
third month 

3Irs. J. Which includes to-day. 

Bub. (falling on his knees with an hysterical sob) Oh, Eose, I 
have wronged you — deceived you ! 

Mrs. J. (triumphantly) Ah, very well! This is just what I 
wanted to hear from your own lips. 

Bub. (rising) And now— you will forgive me? 

3Irs. J. Forgive you? Never! 

Bub. (astonished— aside) Oh, dear, what a mess I've made of it! 
(aloud) And you persist in behig revenged? 

Mrs. J. (going up) An lionesc wife always keeps her word 

Buh. Eose, hear me, Eose ! 

Mrs. J. From this time there is nothing in common between us. 

(exit into bedroom in great rage 

Bub. (alone) She don't mean it; she can't be serious. 

Enter, Susan, /jwji kitchen, l., and putting a plate on table. 

Susan. Here are the cream puffs, (aside) I have literally stuffed 
them with mustard. 

(she picks up the lock of hair and places it on table ivith work basket 

Bub. Cream puffs! "We haven't had dinner yet; take them 
away. 

Susan. What? Not had dinner yet? 

Bub. I tell you to take them away. Get out! (Susan cZears 
aicay table and exits; to himself) No, no— it is impossible. Eose is 
French, but she is honest, (reflecting) Yes, but if she should be 
more French than honest. Good heavens ! I must reason with her. 
(opens bedroom door, gets a box on the ear) Oh, ah ! 

Enter, Fake Gilcy, d. back; sees Eubenstein. 

Fake. Ah, I beg pardon ! Are you engaged ? 

Bub. (angrily) What do you want? 

Fake. Mr. Eubenstein Johnson, if you please. 

Bub. I am Eubenstehi .Johnson. I am not at home. 

Fake. Gilcy— Fake Gilcy, Jr. I play the clarinet. I wanted 
to see you about the ball this evening. 

Bub. Ah, very well — see you later — I'm busy! 

Fake. I suppose you want to hear me before you engage me — I'll 
jDlay you a tune. (puts clarinet to his mouth — blows one note 

Bub. That's enough — I engage you I Seventy cents a night! 
Come back here at eight o'clock this evening. 



CAUGHT IN THE ACT, 17 

Enter, Susan, /yo»i bedroom car ruing a mattress, a pillow and a holster, 

Susan. Yes, all right, ma'am! 
Bub. What have yoii there? 

Susan. (throii:inrj\t doivn) Your bed, which the missus told me 
to bring von. 
Bub. What! my bed! 

At this moment a bundle of clothes hurled out of the bedroom hits Fake 

Fake, (yelling) Oh, dear! (goes over to n. 

Bub. (struck loith a silk stiff hat) Good heavens ! 

Enter, Dr. Boliver d. c, and is immediately struck by a hat-box. The 
shock makes him st^tmble and fall on the mattress. The bedroom 
vomits a shower of pantaloons, slippers, overcoats, night-goionc, 
socks, shirts and flannel undershirts. Dr. Boliver on the mat- 
tress is buried wider them. 

Fake, (recognising Dr. Boliver) Stop ! Why this is my doctor ! 
Bub. (darting to door) Mrs. Johnson! my Avife! Rose! 

The door is slammed in his face— jumps back; a big placard is dis- 
covered hanging outside ivith the words, ^'no admittance.^^ 
— Xo admittance ! 

£ol. [rescued from binder clothing by Fake) I have come to see 
you about my bail this evening". 

Bub. This is too much 1 She has no right to shut me out of oui 
nuptial chamber. 

Fake, (aside to Dr. Boliver) He is having a little misunder- 
standing witli his wife. 

Bub. Oh, what an earthquake — my best coat! She has spared 
nothing ! (gatacring together a pile of clothes 

Bol. (to Rubexstein) I see, but I've come to see you about the 
music for my ball. 

Bub. (piling in Dr. Boliver's arms a bundle of pantaloons and a 
pillow) All right; but lend us a hand here first. 

Bol. No, no! 

Bub. Put them in the closet. (getting together another pile 

Bol. (arms full) I come to see you about my ball — I didn't 
come for this. 

Fake, (following Dr. Boliver) You know, doctor, I had my 
tooth pulled to-day. 

Bol. I don't care about your tooth, (enters bedroom— a loud slap 
heard) Oh, Lord! (rushes out 

Bub. Not that way ! 

Fake, (pushing him towards Rubexstein) Can't you read '*no 

admittance?" 

Bub. (pointing to closet, r.) There is the closet. 

Bol. (angrily — throwing the garments with lohich he is loaded into 
Fake's arms) I did not come here to carry old clothes— I must be 
going! Hurry up, Johnson, it's time the dancing began! 

^ , ,, . , , (exit, at back 

Bub. (having got another pile of garments ready) Here you 
Gilcy, carry all them into the closet! Don't forget to take tlie mat- 
tress, the blanket and the silk hat ! 
Fake, But see here 



ts CAUGHT IN THE ACT. 

Hub. Don't I pay you? 

Fake. For playing the clarinet. 

Hub. But now you are not playing. {slaps hat on his head 

Fake, {going towards closet, R., returns to Kubexstein, who also 
has an armful of garments) But see here, Mr. Johnson, I must let 
you know at once that there is one note 1 won't plaj- — my doctor has 
iforbidden me to ])lay it. 

Bub. Which note is that? 

Fake. The la of the third octave. That note exhausts me. 

Pinb. But what do you do when you come to it in your music? 

Fake. I take a rest, according to the length of the note. I forgot 
to tell you I have the dyspepsia. You would not believe it, but I 
have ! 

Bub. {pushing him towards closet) All right, hurry up ! 

After Fake has gone into closet, Eubensteix throws in the stuff he has 
in his arms, then gathers up mattress and bolster. 

—Dear me ! What a storm we've had ! 

Enter Mas. J ou'NSO'!^ from bedroom, magnifcently dressed and hold' 
ing a night-cap by the string. 

Bub. Ah, it is you, is it? 

3Irs. J. (majestic and calm) That every bond between us may 
be completely broken, I bring you this final symbol of our married 
IHq^ {throios cap at him luith contempt 



Susan. Mr. Johnson! 

Bub. {piling the mattress and bolster in her arms) Well, what is 
it now? 

Susan. Mr. Adonis Montague has sent agani to enquu'e after 
your health. , . 

Bub. Again! I am very well and thank hnn for enqun-uig. 
(aside, with teeth set) This gentleman is very obliging but his inter- 
est in my health is becoming oppressive. 

Susan. I have sent your letters to the medical students, ma'am. 
They'll all come! 

Bub. What is that? 

3Irs. J. (aside to her) That's good ! Make a bowl of hot punch. 

(Susan exits, r. 

Bub. {to Mrs. Johnson, who is arranging her dress before the 
glass) Punch ?— this fancy dress ! 

Mrs. J. Well, what of It? I'm expecting company— I give a 
party this evening. 

Bub, A party in my absence ! And who is coming? 

Mrs, J. My cousin, the young medical student. I have also in- 
vited all his classmates. 

Bub, What? A whole class of young medical students? 

Mrs, J, And why not? They are all nice fellows. 

Enter, Fake, from closet. 

Fake, {aside) Ah, the wife' ( aside to RvBB^STBm) She looks 
lovely this evening. 



CAUGHT IN THE ACT. 19 

Huh. {impatiently) Oh, 5^011 make me tired! {to Mrs. Johnson) 
Mrs. Johnson, I forbid you 

Fake, {hoioing to Mrs. Johnson) Gilej', ma'am, Fake Gilcy — 
clarinetist. 

Mrs. J. {turning hack to him) You loolv it I 

Buh. I forbid you to receive these students, ma'am ! 

Mrs. J. Too late! They have accepted my invitation; besides I 
have a sick headaclie and need iimuisenient. 

Fake, (aside) She's a jolly little woman. I'm sorry I have a 
weak stomach. {fjoes up and remains l. 

Huh. Ah, that's the reason, is it? Madam, I Avarn you that not a 
single man under one hundred and ten years of nge shall set foot in 
this house to-night ! 

Mrs. J. Tut', tut, tut I 

Huh. 'i'here is no tut, tut, tut about it! I shall give orders to 
that eifect now. Susan ! Susan ! 

Enter, Susan, from hack. 

Susan, {announcing) Mr. Adonis Montague ! 
Huh. {aside} Confound his impudence! 

Enter, Adonis Montague, ai hack — Kubenstein meets him. 

Mont, {most offahly) Excuse me, my dear Johnson 

Mrs. J.-' {aside) He here ! 

Mont. I simply crime to enquire 

Mrs. J. {aside) Nothing but heaven could have sent him. 

{sits in easy chair; lakes up fancy work Jrom tahla 

Mont, {to KuBENSTErN) i felt very uneasy about you, so 

Huh. YQvy kind of you, I'm sure, .-md I thank you ever so much. 
{aside) He is very polite, I must confess. 

Fake, {aside) He's not one liundred and ten years old ! 

3Iont. (ro Kubenstein) Very well; and have you entirely re- 
covered from your accident? 

3Irs. J. What accident? 

Mont, {turning in surprise — then to Kubenstein) Mrs. Johnson, 
no doubt? Please introduce me. 

Hub. With pleasure! (aside) The devil take him! (aloud) My 
dear, Mr. Adonis Montague, (Mrs. Johnson rises, and she and 
Montague hoio vrofoundly) who had the extreme kindness 

Mont, (interrupting him) ()h, no, sir, the pleasure (to Mrs. 
Johnson) of rendering a slight service to your husband, who was 
seized with dizziness in Hot Muffin street. 

Mrs. J. {reseating herself and working) Ah, yes, ISTo. 7! 

Huh. Ah, yes, that is to say 

Fake, (aside) Mr. 31ontaguc is a very pleasant gentleman. 

Mont, {looking ahout him) You have a very cosy little place 
here. 

Huh. I beg pardon, but I was about to go out. 

Mont, (taking chair and sitting near Mrs. Johnson) All right, 
my dear friend Johnson, don't let me detain you. 

Huh. (aside) What! Is he going to settle down here? 

Fake, (aside) His stomach seems to be all right. 

Mont, (to Mrs. Johnson — examines work) Nothing but the hand 
of a fairy or a woman as lovely as vourself could produce these mar- 
vels of patience and good taste. 



so CAUGHT IN THE ACT. 

Mrs. J. (coquet ishlji) Oh, Mr. Montague, you ilatter me ! 

Fake, (to Rubenstein) Look out, Johnson ! Mr. Montag'ue is 
a dangerous man. 

Bui), (aside, irritated) I can see that very well, {takes chair and 
sits near Montague) I beg pardon, I was about to go. 

Mont. You give a conceit this evening, don't you ? 

Bub. No, next Tliursday ; but 

Mont. All the pretty women in town will be there and I dtirc say 
your wife will be the brightest ornament of them all. 

Fake, (who has seated himself near Rubenstein) Did you heai 
him? He said, "the brightest ornament." 

Bub. (to Montague) Sorry to disturb you, but I must go now. 

3Iont. (interrupting him) Your polkas are the talk of the town— 
especially the last. It is a miracle of harmony. 

Bub. 'Oh, sir! (aside) Confound his politeness! 

3font. (humming polka) Let me see, how does it go? . 

Bub. (humming with him, then stops suddenly) I am sorry, but I 
must go now. 

Mont. It is called "Evelena," I believe? 

Mrs. J Ah ? 

Bub. (quickhj) No, no! It is called "Concertina." 

Mont, (to Mrs. Johnson) Ah, it is named after you, madam ! 

Mrs. J. Not at all! 

Bub. (rising quickly and placing his chair at back) It is purely an 
imaginary name, sir ! 

Fake, (approaching Montague) My case, exactly ! I have written 
a piece I call the Gilcy march— named after myself, Fake Gilcy. It 
goes like this. {hums 

Mont, {dryly) I never before heard of you or your march. 

(turning to Mrs. Johnson 

Fake, {rising and placing his chair i.., aside) What ignorance! 
(to Rubenstein) Say, it's getting late. Supposing we eat a bite 
before we go. 

Bub. Oh, take anything you want and leave me alone ! 

Fake, (seeing plate of puffs on buffet) Ah, cream putts! 

Bub. (aside, loatching Montague and Mrs. Johnson) He is 
whispering to her. 

Fake, (taking plate) Cream puffs! A glorious thing for my 
dyspepsia! {exit into kitchen with plate 

Bub. (placing his head between Montague and Mrs. Johnson 
who stop talking on seeing him) You were talking together? Might 
I know what about? (Montague rises 

3Irs. J. {still working and indifferently) Mr. Montague was only 
saying he thought I had most lovely hands, but that is of no interest 
to you. 

Bub. I beg your pardon, Mr. Montague, but you desired news of 
my health— I am very well indeed. I have completely recovered 
and I have the honor of wishing you an alTectionate good day. 
3Iont, Ah, I understand you— I have been indiscrete. 
Bub. Don't mention it! 

3Iont. {returning to Mrs. Johnson) It is very natural with such 
charming company— every minute of your time I occupy is robbing 
you of so much happiness. 

(Mrs. Johnson sits down her work and rises 
Bub. (aside) Confound him J He talks forever and never goes. 

(takes candle from buffet 



CAUGHT IN THE ACT. n 

Mont. As for me, I love this pure and honest life. You must he 
happy h}^ your calm fireside, surrounded hy your hushaud and 
children. Of course you have children? 

Mrs. J. Alas, no I 

Mont, (io EuBENSTiaN) Xo children ? Oh, Johnson! 

Rtih. (aside) Why don't he mind his own husiness? (aloud) 
Mr. Montague, as I shall probably not see you again, I bid you 
good-day. 

3Iont. Good-clay, until to-morrow, my dear Johnson. 

Bub. There is no need of your calling again. 

3Irs. J. (graciously) We will be very hapjpy to see you at any 
time you please to call, Mr. Montague. 

Bub. (aside) She encourages liim. (aloud) Good evening, sir, 
good evening ! (exit, Montague at back) At last — we've got rid of 
him ! 

3Irs. J. He's a very charming young man, this Mr. Montague, 
he has the true French politeness which is very refreshing. 

Bub. You think so, do you? (runs to bell and rings 

Enter, Susan, l. 
Susan. Did you call? 

Bub. If Mr. Adonis Montague calls here again at any time, don't 
forget that neither my wife nor myself are at home. 

Susan. Very well, sir! (exit back 

Bub. I don't like his refreshing French politeness. I am going 
to dress for the ball. (exit into closet, e. 

Mrs. J. Ah, that's your little game, is it? 

(runs to bell and rings it angrily 

Enter, Susan at back. 

Mrs. J. Susan, whenever Mr. Montague calls bring him in at 
once without delay. Do you understand? 

Susan. Yes, ma'am, perfectly ! (seeing Montague af back— an- 
nouncing) Mr. Adonis Montague! (exit, l. 3 e. 

Mrs. J. (aside) Here again ! So much the better! 

Enter, Montague, at back, timidly — carrying a large boquet concealed 

behind him. 

Mont. Madame ! 

Mrs. J. Come right in, Mr. Montague. 

Mont. Perhaps you did not think to see me again so soon? 

3Irs. J. Why not? Why, I am waiting for ybu ! 

31ont. (astonished and joyous) Dear me, vou don't say so! I 
simply returned to present you this boquet wliich I had forgotten in 
my carriage. 

Mrs. J. (quickly taking the boquet) Give it me! Ah these 
flowers are perfectly lovely ! Exquisite ! ' 

Mont, You are very kind ! But I am afraid I came back too 
soon. Your husband may return. 

Mrs. J. Supposing he does, what do I care? My husband in- 
deed ! Make yourself quite at home. 

3Iont. Oh, thank you, my dear Mrs. 

Mrs. J. Ah, what is this ? You have concealed a note in thi« 
boquet. 

Mont. Oh, not before me, I beg of you. Read it when I am 
gone. 



^^ CAUGHT IN THE ACT. 

Mrs. J. Why not read it now ? You have written it for me and 
I will read it. {opening note, and reading) "Dear madam: — It is 
with a tremblino- hand 1 write these lines, but I beg to assure you 
inj passion will never overs(C[) the boundery of respect." 

Mont. Never ! never ! 

31rs. J. And you call that a declaration? It is only a petition. 
It is too cold — it "makes me shiver. 

{she crumples up note and throws it on the floor 

Mont. What a fool I have been I I will write you another — a 
warmer one. {going 

Mrs. J. {fumbling in her pocket and talcing out a paper) One mo- 
ment! I have here a rough draft of a letter to Evelena which I 
found in the pocket of my rascal of a husband. When a man is in 
love this is how he speaks, {reading) "My dear little kitten — " 

Mont. What? 

Mrs. J. "To see you is heaven — to leave a torment — " {speaking) 
Oh, the villain! 

3Iont. {passionatehj) Oh, yes ! To see you is indeed heaven ! 

Mrs. J. [reading) "That I may have a souvenir of my only 
darling when I am not with you give me, oh, give me a lock of 
your hair." 

3Iont. Oh, I would never dare to expect so much! Anything, if 
only a single hair, would make me happy! 

Mrs. J. What ! {going to icork basket and taking Evelena's lock) 
See ! This is what she gives to him, my scoundrel of a husband ! 

Mont. Oh, that is too much, very much too much! 

Mrs J. No, it is not too much ! — "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a 
tooth." {unloosens her hair) Here, help yourself, take what you 
want--don't be too modest! 

Mont, {darting towards her) Oh, my dear little 

Bub. {outside) Oh, damn it! A button oft" again ! 

3Irs. J. My husband! 

Mont. Confound him ! 

3Irs. J. {pointing him to a footstool at her feet and making him take 
a skein of yarn) Kneel there, take this in your hands — it's all right, 
don't be alarmed! 

She sits L., and commences to wind yarn lohich Montague holds — her 
hair falling over her shoulder. 

Enter, Rubenstein from closet, with waistcoat in hand. 

Bub. Damn these buttons! They always come off at the very 
moment a man — {sees Montague) Thunder and lightning ! 

3Irs. J. {still winding — affectionately) Ah, back so soon, hubby? 

3Iont. {not looking around) Ah, good evening again, my dear 
Johnson ! 

Bub. {aside) I shall lose my reason very soon, {aloud) Look 
here, sir, I thought you had gone? 

Mont, {he and Mrs. Johnson rise together but not letting go skein, 
she still winding) Yes, I did go but I had only reached the foot of 
the stairs ^yhen I discovered I had been very impolite 

Bub. Impolite! {aniriUi coming between them and taking skein be~ 
tween his own hands) 1 demand an explanation! 

(Mks. Johnson breaks the ball from skein 



CAUGHT IN THE ACT. ^B 

Mont. Nothing can be more simple, my dear sir. You are giving 
a concert next Thursday and I forgot to ask you for tickets. I will 
take twenty. 

Mrs. J. ^Oh, tliat is too many! [to Kubknstein) Wiiy don't you 
tliank tlie gentleman? 

Buh. {still holding sizein) My ticl^ets are all sold I There won't 
be standing room at my concert— do you understand? Not even 
standing room I 

Mont. What! and you have not reserved even one for me? Ah, 
Johnson, this is unkind, nay, it is cruel of you. 

Buh. (aside, furious) Oh, I shall throw him out of the window 
in a minute, (aloud) See here, sir, don't think to blind me, sir ! 
For the last ten hour you have been dancing attendance on my wife. 

Mont. Ah, Johnson, this is an ungrateful thing to say to me— me, 
your dear friend. 

Bub. Well, my "dear friend," this business must come to an end. 
T don t know you ! I don't want to know you ! I have no tickets 
for you, and you will do me a favor by forgetting my name, my 
street and my number. 

3ront. (laughing and drawing hack) But, my dear Johnson, you 
are ill. Madam, take good care of him— 1 will send you my own 
family physician. 

Bub. (talking at same time loith Mm) Goon, get out! I under- 
stand, good day! Get out! [both exeunt at hack 

Mrs. J. Howl away, my lovely husband! You've been rude 
enough to Mr. Montague. He's a very nice man ! I begin to like 
him! 

Enter, Montague, bij window. 

Mont. Is he gone ? 

Mrs. J. Ah ! No, not yet ! 

3Iont. That's unfortunate! 

Buh. (outside) You understand, janitor ? 

3Trs. J. (quickly sitting in easy chair, r.) Quick, take this! 

(Montague takes skein—she connnences to vnnd 

Enter, Eubenstein, at hack. 

Buh. I have just ordered the janitor — (seeing Montague — aside] 
What! Here again? He's worse than the Flying Dutchman' 
(furious, darting%etvocen them; aloud) How long do you intend tc 
continue this little game of yours, sir? 

Mont, (backing up stage, laugliing) Hasn't my doctor come y t: 

Buh. (following) I don't want your doctor ! 

Mont, (laughing) Be calm, my dear Johnson! I'll order a bath 
for you — you need a cold bath. 

Buh. (following) Get out! Get out, or I'll call the police! 

(exit, at hack folloioing Montague, calling, '''Police!^'' 

Mrs. J. (who has gone up back) Police, indeed I Ah, my revenge 
has begun ! (stands looking off back 

Enter, Fake, l. 3 e., very pale, holding empty plate. 

Fake. Oh, Lord! Those puffs — cream puffs, oh! (groans) I 
feel as if I had a mustard bath in my stomach, and they say cream 
puffs are good for the health I 



SJf CAUGHT IN THE ACT. 

He falls on a chair, l. Mrs. Johnson co7nes down; noise outside, 

L. 3 E. 

Enter, Susan, quickly, l. 3 e. 

Susan. Stop, I tell you! Let me alone! 
Fake. ) 

& [ Hello, what's the matter? 
Mrs. J.) 

Susan. Those young medical students you invited have come, and 
they all insist on kissing me. 

3Irs. J. Ah, my young doctors! Come in, boys, come in ! Make 
yourselves quite at home! {exit Susan, l. 3 e. 

Enter, Students, l. 3 e. 

—{to Students) Delighted to see you all; so kind of you to come! 

Students, {bowing loio) Ah, madam ! 

3Irs. J. And from tliis thiie forth, I shall expect you to call on 
me every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday 

Fake, {aside) Saturday antl Sunday ! 

3Irs. J. And if you will do me the honor 

Fake, {aside) bhe's going it pretty strong! 

1st Stu. Ah, madam, your extreme kindness 

27id Stu. We esteem ourselves exceedingly fortunate 

Fake, {aside) I'm sorry my stomach is so weak! 

Enter, Susan, loith howl of punch on a little stand irJiich she sets c. of 

stage. 

Susan. Here is the punch ! {exit, 

Students. Punch, brothers, punch ! 

Enter, Susan, running in from back. 

Suson. Sh ! Here is Mr. Johnson ! 

Students. The husband! {they start to go 

Mrs. J. Stay, gentlemen, I beg of you! {they stop 

Susan, {to Students) He is in a furious rage of jealousy. 
Students. Jealous? Scoot, brothers, scoot! " 

They all exit by the d{^erent doors except those at back and that 
leading to the kitchen; one carries off bowl, another the stand. 

Enter, Rubenstein at back. 

Huh. I saw him as far as the street door and don't expect to see 
him back again right away, but to make assurance doubly sure, be- 
fore I go I will double lock all the doors. 
Fake. ) 

Mrs. J. [• Wliat! 

Susan, ) 

Hub. Susan, come here ! Give me the keys— all the keys ! 

Susan, {hesitating) But — really, sir! 

Fake. Fiddler, beware! 

Huh. (io Fake) You make me tired ! {taking keys from Svsai^) 
The keys, I tell you ! 

Susan, (uttering a cry) Ah! 



CAUGHT IN THE ACT, S5 

Mrs. J. Mr. Jolnison, do not drive me to an extreme! 

Fake. Do not drive her to nn extreme. If you knew 

Jiuh. Shut up ! ( locks a door 

Fake, {aside) He is locking up four wolves in his sheepfold. 

Hub. {pointing to door at hack) That one I will lock from the 
outside wlien I leave. 

Mrs. J. Mr. Johnson, I wish to go out— I will go out! 

Euh. Tut, tut, tut, tut! 

(takes his violin box from under the easy chair 

Fake, {aside) Shall I tell him? No, it would annoy him. 

Jlrs. J. Oh, this is infamous! 

Hub. (pushing out Faktl) Go on with you! We are late for the 
ball as it is. 

Fake. All right, old boy ! 

(they exit at back; noise of locking door heard outside 

Mrs. J. {while door is being lucked) Mr. Johnson, if you lock me 
in — look out for yourself! 

Bub. (outside) You'll be here when I come back, Mrs. Johnson. 
Ha, ha, ha ! 

Mrs. J. Locked in ! 

Susan. Prisoners ! 

Students, (appearing at four doors) Is he gone? 

Mrs. J. My dear boys, we are blockaded! Shut in like a lot of 
Kobiuson Crusoes. 

Enter, Students, gayly. 

Students. Tra, la, la, la, la, la, la, le ! 

Mrs. J. But i will outwit my husband yet. My dear young 
friends, I invited you here to accompany me to a ball. 

Students. A ball? Where? 

3Irs. J. At Dr. Bollver's. I don't know him, but I'll introduce 
you. 

Students. Good ! We'll go ! 

Mrs. J. Susan, give me my cloak and come with us to the ball, 
the more the merrier. You can help yourself to any dress in my 
wardrobe. 

Students. But how shall we get out? (they go to two lockeddoors 

1st Stu. (at window) A bricklayer's ladder! 

Mrs. J. The same that Montague used — I will go first. 

Susan, (giving her cloak) Two stories — you might kill yourself! 

3Irs. J. A good idea! (runs to table and writes — reads) "Accuse 
no one of my death. My husband has just thrown me out of the 
v\^indow." There, if I break my neck, let Mr. Johnson look out for 
himself ! 

Susan, (aside) Ah, devoted wife ! Her last thought is of her 
husband. 

Mrs. J. (mounting ivindoiv) Now, come, all follow me! 

Picture. — Mrs. Johnson on sill, others pointing towards her, about 

tofolloio, 

END OF ACT II* 



^6 CAUGHT IN THE ACT, 

ACT III. 

SCENE I.— Ball-room at Dr. Boliver's, illuminated. At rise of 
curtain guests are seen promenading at hack. Dr. Boliyer dis- 
covered front. 

Bol. {taking out vjatch) Seven niiiiiites pfist ten — still no orches- 
tra. It's a shame ! 

Enter, Mrs. Boliver, from l. 

3Irs. B. Well, doctor, where is yonr music? 

Bol. I can't understand it. Everything is prepared for them and 
still they don't come. 

Mrs. B. Our guests have heen walking themselves footsore for 
the last hour. You certamly don't expect to give a hall without 
music ? 

Bol. Certainly not! At half past eight o'clock precisely, I called 
on my orchestra leader — I found him engaged in some slight mis- 
understanding with his wife — I gave him what help I could. 

3Irs. B. Oh, when these husbands undertake to do a thing ! 

(she goes up stage 

Bol. But, my dear Mrs. B., you are very unreasonable. Is it my 
fault if they are not here? 

3Irs. B. Perhaps you will tell me what I am to do with our com- 
pany? The women are yawning and the men are already half 
asleep. 

Bol. What is to be done? Ask our niece Cleopatra to sing them 
"The Heart Bowed Down." 

3Irs. B. Cleopatra is dressing, and you know it always takes her 
a long time to dress. 

Bol. Yes, as the poet says, *'Art is long and time is fleeting." 
Let her take all the time she w^ants. I think I have found a match 
for her. Mr. Adonis Montague promised to come this evening. 

3Irs. B. Mr. Adonis Montague ! Is he rich? 

Bol. Kicli ? I should say so ! He keeps an architect— -I heard 
him say so. (taking out ivatch) Thirty-five minutes past ten ! Tell 
me, Mrs. B., can't you sing them, "ShuU we gather at the Kiver?" 

3Irs. B. (indignant) The idea! 

Bol. 1 wish I had rented an organ. 

Enter, Flip, l., dressed as a ivaiter. 

Flip. Here I am, doctor! Shall I serve the refreshments? 

Bol. Not yet; after the dancing begins. Wait till the people get 
hot. 

3Irs. B. Take your place at the door and announce what visitors 
may arrive. 

Flip. Very w-ell, ma'am, (to Boliver) How do you like my 
makeup? 

Bol. Excellent! It is perfect! 

Mrs. B. But why do you WT-ar black gloves? 

Flip. They don't show the dirt. I've used these for the last six 
months ; see, they look all right, but smell 'em ! 

{mits them to Mrs. BoRivJtai's nose 



CAUGHT IN THE ACT. ^7 

Mrs. B. {pushing him away) Very well, that will do! (Flip 
goes up to c. d. hack) That's another of your brilliant arrange- 
ments ! 

Flip, {announcing) Mr. and Mrs. Huckleberry Dew ! 

Mrs. B. Denr me, more visitors I 

Bol. And still no orchestra I 

Enter, Mrs. Johmson, at hack. 

Flip. Your name, please ! 

Mrs. J. {pushing him aside) Ah, don't bother me! 

Flip, {announcing) Mrs. Don't-Bother-me ! 

Mr' B \ {turyiing, astonished) What? 

Mrs. J. [coming down resolutely — to herself) Well, here I am at 
last, without accidejjt. Lock me in, will you? 

Enter, Students, at hack. 

Flip. What shall I announce? 

1st Stu. Watermelons ! 

Fliv. The Watermelon brothers ! 

Bol. {aside to Mrs. Bolivee) Mrs. Don't-bother-me and the 
Watermelon brothers? I never heard of them before. Do you know 
them, Mrs. B. ? 

3Irs. B. Not at all ! 

Bol. Xo more do I ! {howing to Mrs. Johnson and Students) I 
beo; your pardon 

Mrs. J. Ah, good evening, Dr. Boliver! 

Students. Good evening, Dr. Boliver ! 

Bol. {aside) They know my name, {aloud) Might I ask you— 

Mrs. J. I see your orchestra has not yet arrived. 

Bol. We are waiting for them now, but 

1st Stu. But, doctor, a dance without music is like a stuffed 
duck 



Snd Stu. Without stufting- 



3rd Stu. And without duck. -» {all laurjh 

Bol. {laughing) Yes, you are right, (aside) Are they makiuf^ 
sport of me? {to Mrs. Johnson) Might I be so bold as to ask 
you 

Mrs. J. What? 

Bol. Your face is not entirely unknown to me — but to Avhom 
have 1 the honor of speaking? 

Mrs. J. {aside to Students) Oh, dear! Is he going to show us 
the door? 

Snd Stu. {to others) We are liable to be fired out any minute. 

Bol. You will pardon me if 

Flip. What is the name, please? 

Enter, Susan, at hack. 

Susan. Susan Clipper, from New York. 

Flip. Susan Clipper, from New York, eh? {announcing) The 
New York Clipper! 

Bol. Even the press put in an appearance at my evening party. 
Mrs. J. Wliy, Susan, you are late! 



S8 CAUGHT IJS THE ACT, 

Susan. Yes, missses, in the first place I had the greatest trouble 
to find a dress to fit me; in the second place, I slipped at the last 
round of tlie ladder ; in the third place 

3Irs. J. In the third place, you are here and that is enough. 
[aloud to Dk. Boliyer) Allow me to present to you these gentle- 
men — they are relatives — friends of mine. 

Bol. (bowing to Students) Gentlemen, I feel highly honored, I 
assure 3^ou, hut I have not tiic pleasure of knowing 

Mrs.^J. {interniptinrj) Also let me formally introduce my dear 
friend. Miss Susan Clipper, knowing that any friends of mine will 
also he received as friends of yours. 

1st Stu, Permit me to introduce to you Mrs. 

Mrs. B. (aside) They are making fun of us. 

Bol. (to Mrs. Johnson) Madam, I am delighted to meet you, 
but you have not yet told me 

Mrs. J. Dr. Boliver, your little party is perfectly charming, and 
Mrs. Boliver? 

Bol. She Is very well, thank you, hut 

3frs. J. And your fascinating son— how is he? 

Bol. I have no son. 

3Irs. J. Delighted to hear it! (she goes up stage 

Students, Delighted to hear it! (they go up stage 

Bol. (aside) Who the devil are these people? 

FlijJ. (announcing) Mr. Adonis Montague I 

(Dr. and Mrs. Boliver go up quickly. 

Mrs. J. (aside) Montague here ! Ah, he will introduce us! 

(she goes quickly to l., followed by Students 

Enter, Montague, at hack, bowing. 

Mont. Ladies ! (sees Mrs. Johnson — goes to her) Mrs. Johnson ! 
How happy I am to meet you \ I did not expect the pleasure of 
meeting you here. 

3Irs. J. (loi'j voice) Introduce me as well as you can ! 

Bol. (to Montague) I see you know this lady. 

3Iont. (taking Mrs. Johnson by hand and presenting her) Un- 
doubtedly ! She is— she is my sister. 

f;^^-^l \ His sister! 
3Irs. B. \ 

Mont. "NVho has just returned from a long voyage in — in Central 
Africa. 
3Irs. J. (aside — going R.) He's a lovely liar! 

Mrs. B. (to Mrs. Johnson) Oh, permit me to apologise 

Bol. Dear Mrs. Bon't-bother-me 

¥J^!'^'t^\: (astonished) Mrs. what? (Mo^tag\:e goes up stage 
j.\lrs. J. ) 

Bol. (eagerly) Are you too cold ? 

3Irs. B. I trust you are not too warm? 

Mrs. J. I'm very comfortable, thank you! (aside) How very 
polite they have grown all of a sudden. 

Bol. (poi'nii'n^' to Students) And these gentlemen? 

Mrs. J. They are my cousins — you see I have brought my family. 

Bol. It's ver}^ kind of you to do so. (shaking hands with Stu- 
dents) Mr. Watermelon^^ 

1st Stu. I hope we have not been indiscreet 

Bol. (retaining him) Kot at all ! Make yourselves comfortable. 



CAUGHT IN THE ACT, S9 

3Irs. J. {aside to Students) We are all right at last. 

3Irs. B. {to Mrs. Johnson and some women grouped at back) 
Ladies and gentlemen, sliall we adjourn to the blue drawing-room? 

{goes up loith Mks. Johnson 

Bol. {to Montague) I will now present yon to my niece. 

Mont, {vexed) Yes, very well, but wait until after supper. 

Bol. {aside) But we're not going to have any supper. I'm sorry 
I told him there would be sui»per, now. {approaches Students 

Mont, {offering arm to Mrs. Johnson) My dear little sister ! 
{aside, passionately) Come, let us talk of love ! 

3Irs. J. Later in the evening, Mr. Montague, really not now I 

Bol. This May, ladies and gentlemen, to' the blue drawing-room ; 
my niece Cleopatra is about to sing, "The Heart Bowed Down." 

{exit all by door at bade 

Enter, Rubenstein and Fake, r., one carrying violin box and the 
other a fiute. 

Bub. Come on, you idiot! {aside) What a stupid blockhead that 
clariet player is. He stoi)ped at every drug store on the way here. 

Fake, (toith flute and two bottles of patent medicine) I bought a 
bottle of Mulligan's Stomach Bitters and a box of Bullkieker's Dys- 
pepsia Cure. I may need it before the dance is over. Oh, Lord, 
those cream pulls ! 

Enter, Mrs. Bolivek, at back. 

Mrs. B. Ah, here you are at last! You are late, Mr. Orchestra 
leadei, very late. 

Bub. Just as I Avas leaving home a little accident happened. 

Mrs. B. Well, be quick — my guests are tired waiting. Play us 
something at once — something which will inspire the idea of ma* 
riage. 

Bub. In yourself, madam? 

Mrs. B. is^o, to Mrs. Don't-bother-me's brother! {exit back, l. 

Bub. {astonished) Mrs. Don't-bother-me ? 

Fake. A very aristocratic name, isn't it? 

Bub. I can't tell why, but the name made me think of my wife. 

Fake. YourAvit'e? {aside) I must tell him! {aloud) I don't 
want to make j^ou uneasy, Mr. Johnson, but I pity jon 

Bub. Oh, I'm all right! I feel safe enough for to-night, anyway. 
I have the key in my pocket. Oh, she'll be in such a temper, locked 
up all the evening alone ! {laughing 

Fake, (aside) Poor devil ! If lie knew he had locked in four 
j^oung medical students with his wife. But I must tell him ! {aloud) 
I say, boss 

Bub. Well, what is it? 

Fake. No, nothing I (aside) It might prevent his playing to- 
night if I told him. 

Bub. Come, now, let us get in tune; are you ready? 

Fake. Let her go ! 

Bid^. (sounding note on violin) There is my la! 

Fake, {playing one entirely different) Here is mine! 

Bub. But that is not la you are giving me. 

Fake, That is my la — it is in the minor key. It is la minor! 

Bub. But I am playing the major key. Here, now, attention! 



so CAUGHT IN THE ACT, 

Hg gives la in three octaves — Fake gives the two first, then that of the 
third. He them shakes his clarinet and puts it under his arm. 

Jiiib. Well, what is the matter? Go on! 

Fake. Xo, that's the note my doctor forbids me to play. 

J^iib. And why? 

Fake. On account of my weak stomach. 

Bub. What, woidd you let your stomach create a discord in your 
pi a vino;? 

Fake. Health before everything ! 

Bub. Very well, let us understand eacli other. I give you seven- 
ty cents a night. There are seven notes of music, that's ten cents a 
note. The instant you drop one of them, I'll drop ten cents off" your 
salary. So look out! 

Fake. It's hard, but it sounds reasonable ! 

Enter, Dr. Boliver, at back. 
Bol. Come now, orchestra— we've been waiting for a polka ever 
since ten o'clock. 

Bub. Immedlatelv, doctor! {stand R., arranges music 

Fake, (recognizing doctor) What! Why, that's my doctor ! Doc- 
tor, I am no better ! I still have a suggestion of dyspepsia. 

{sticks out his tongue 
Bol. Oh, go to the devil! My office hours are from twelve to 
four. 

Buh. Here, clarinet, all ready ! 

Fake, {goes u.) Here I am ! Let her go! 

Bub. {7nusic cue) Attention! 

{they play a icaltz. From time to time Fake skijys the high notes 
Bol. {delighted) At last my ball has began. 

Enter, Mrs. Boliver, dancing loith a guest. She is followed by guests, 
dancing. At last, enter, Montague and Mrs. Johnson, dancing 
together. 

Bub. {recognizing her and yelling) What, my wife! 

Bol. (starting) What's the matter? 

3Iont. The husband ! 

3Irs. J. (forcibly) Go on with the music ! 

Bub. (coming c") I'll not play for you to dance with him ! 

Bol. What's the matter with you? 

Bub. Yes, yes! 

Montague and Mrs. Johnson dance together into another room. 
Bubenstein folloios them wildly, still mechanically playing the 
violin. Groups of guests passing and re-passing, prevent his reach- 
ing Montague and Mrs. Johnson. 

—See here, my wife— Kose— Mrs. Johnson ! (exit, l., following 

Fake. Dear me ! where is my leader going? 

Follows 'Rvv.-E.-K&im-s, he playing clarinet, as far as door, when Dr. 
Boliver catches him by the coat tail and pull him back; exit 



Bol. My orchestra is deserting me. I've saved a piece of it any- 
way. 



CA UGHT IN THE ACT, 31 

Fake. I was only folloAving my leader. 

Bol. You stay right here and play— play your clarinet. That's 
what you're paid for, isn't it? 

Fuke. Doctor, now that we are alone — I know it's after hours — 
but look at that tongue. (sticks out tongue 

Bol. I haven't time now, I tell you ! 

Fake. The diet you ordered me has done me no good. 

Bol. Oh, this is a pleasant evening party I 

Fake. And yet I haven't permitted myself the least excitement, 
I drink nothing stronger than milk, I eat cream puffs— oh, lord! I 
avoid masliing 

Bol. {impatient) Then change your plan ! Drink nothing but 
ra^^' whisky — fall in love every five minutes ! 

Fake, {joyous) I may love once more. Oh, doctor, the masher 
is himself again ! 

Bol. And now play us something ! 

Fake, {looking out door of salon) Oh, woman, woman, lovely 
women! Ah, what magnificent shoulders! (throws kisses 

Bol. But those are my wife's shoulders I Play your clarinet, you 
idiot! {going uj)) Where is my leader, I wonder? (^o Fake) Don't 
you move ! (exit after Rubenstein 

Fake. Ah, the doctor has given me new life. He says I may love. 
If I hadouly known that at half past eight — Mrs. Johnson — ah, what 
an angel she is ! Here she comes ! 

{a group of dancers cross stage, hack 

Fnter, Montague and Mks. Johnson, dancing polka, Rubenstein 
following, playing violin. 

Huh. {parting them) Well, well, madam, what are you doino- 
here? 

3Irs. J. I am dancing. 

Jlont. Mr. Johnson, I advise you to be more respectful in your 
remarks to this lady. 

Bub. I was not speaking to you, sir. (to Mrs. Johnson) But 
tell me — how did you get out? I locked you in — here is the key ! 

3Irs. J. I climbed out through the chimney! 

Fake, (poetically) Like Santa Glaus on Christmas morning! 

Bub. (placing a chair E., to Mrs. Johnson) See here, madam, 
you are my wife ! You will sit here on this chair, beside me — and 
1 forbid you to move. Did you bring your work with you? 

Mrs. J. My work? The idea! Do you think I came here to darn 
socks or sew on buttons? 

Mont, (laughing) Ah, a splendid joke! Ha, ha! 

Bub. I was not speaking to you, sir ! 

Mont. By your leave, Mr. Johnson, but this lady has been kind 
enough to accept me for the second waltz. 

Mrs. J. And the third and the fourth ! 

Mont. And the fifth and the sixth ! 

Fake. I'll engage her for the others ! 

Bub. Be careful— don't go too far or I'll stir up a scene ! 

3Iont. You should not threaten us, sir, or 

Jlrs. J. Oh, you do not frighten me in the least. I have plenty of 
friends here, and I will dance the polka and waltz and mazourka all 
the evening to your very face ! 

Fake. She's energetic ! I'll bet on Mrs. Johnson . 



S2 , CAUGHT IN THE ACT. 

Mrs. J. Come, come I We are wasting time; go on, fiddler finish 
the polka I 
Mont. Ah, yes, some music, fiddler! 
Fake, {aside) Now that's what I call a sublime nerve ! 

Filter, Dr. Boliver, Mrs. Boliver, tJie four students and guests, 

Omnes. Well, orchestra ! Music! music! 

Bub. Iwon't play any more if this woman dances. I forbid her 
to dance ! 

Omnes. What? 

Mrs. J. Where in the world did you pick up this shabby fiddler, 
Dr. Boliver ? 

3Iont. The man is drunk ! 

Omnes. Yes, for shame ! He's drunk ! 

Mrs, B. (to Dr. Boliver) Pay him and turn him out! 

Bol. Yes! (fo RUBENiSTEiN) See here, sir! There are the four 
dollars I promised you. (takes out money) Now, get out! 

Omnes. Out! Get out! 

Huh. Very well, but I'll take tliis woman with me ! 

Students. Don't vou touch her ! (holding him 

Fake, (aside) Ah, I recognize the medical punch party! Mrs. 
Johnson has come well protected. 

Mrs J. Take me with you? and by what right? 

Bub. By what right? (posing c. ; aside) With a single word 
I'll make her tremble, (to all) Gentlemen, this woman is my wife ! 

Omnes. His wife ! 

Sol. Mrs. Don't-bother-me I 

Mont. My sister! 

3Irs. J. (astonished) I don't know the drunken fiddler ! 

Omnes. Ah! 

Bub. (stupijied) Oh ! 

Fake, (laughing) Oh! 

Bub. Oh, this is too much! I call my clarmetist to witness. 
Speak' Fake Gilcy ! (brings Fake to c. 

Fake. I? Well, really, to tell the truth and shame the devil, I 
don't know anything about it ! (goes up 

Bub. I see it all ! This is a conspiracy ! (taking her hand} Come 
along with me, woman ! 

3Irs. J. (jerking away and taking refuge loith students) Stand 
back sir ! I am protected by the college of Piiarmacentical surg ery ! 

Students, (yelling) Put him out! Put him out! 
Omnes. Yes, out with him— he's drunk! He's a maniac— put 
him out ! 

The four students, followed by guests, take up Rubenstein arid 
carry him out, lohile Fake, in his place, R., p/ays with great 
animation the clarinet. 

Mrs. J, (aside) So, vou'll lock me in, will you? 

Fake, (aside) Ah, she is alone! I suspect she has a sneaking 
likino- for me— the doctor has prescribed this sort of thing— I'll try 
it! Xio M-RS. Johnson, 2)assionately) Adorable Mrs. Johnson ! As 
the moments are very precious, you will pardon the abrubtness of 
an humble clarinetist 

3Irs,J, Well? 



CAUGHT IN THE ACT. S3 

Fake. I do this by the doctor's order. He has prescribed whisky 
punch and love— the first I will have later on, but as for love— dear 
Mrs. Johnson, I'm full of it now ! 

il/rs. J. Ha, ha! {laughing heartily 

Fake, (aside) She laughs! That proves she is not angry. I 
will continue, {aloud) If you would take a little walk with me by 
moonlight alone — or on a street car, I could tell you more at length 
what I have not time to tell you now. (laughing of students heard — 
aside) Confound those imps! I was getting along nicely. 

Enter, Students and Susan, at back. 

Mrs. J. Well, Avhat have you done with him ? 

1st Stu. We thought at first we would throw him in the river. 

Snd Stu, But on second thought we decided that would be going 
rather too far so Ave 

1st Stu. Called a cab— threw him in, gave the driver your ad- 
dress and told him to take him home as quickly as possible. 

Fake. A nice lot of good little boys ! (all laugh 

Enter, Dk. Bolivee, r. 

Bol. Come, now-, clarinet, you are all there is left of my or- 
chestra — play us a tune. 

Students, (surrounding Mrs. Johxson) Yes, the dance— Mrs. 
Johnson, a polka! 

Mrs. J. One moment ! Let us take things in order, (callina) 
No. 1 ! 

1st Stu. (in loud, voice) Present! 

Mrs. J. A fine voice I 

Bol. All ready, clarinet, let her go! 

Fake. I'll play the Gilcy galop, (aside) Then after that I'll 
take a little love and whisky punch ! 

(music cue— plays clariet—all exit danciiuj 

Bol. (following) Mrs. Don't-bother-me's cousins seem quite as 
devoted to her as her brother. They never leave her. It seems a 
very affectionate family. (exit, dancinrj 

Enter, Rubenstein, l., nnth platter and dressed like Flu 

Bub. Here I am back again. With considerable argument and 
the payment of two dollars I finally convinced the hackman I was 
neither drunk nor crazy. Ah, the scoundrels ! Let them look out! 
I found my way into the house in this disguise, and haveftwo police- 
men waiting outside. As for my wife — I have just handed her a 
note giving her five minutes to surrender. The five minutes are up. 

Enter, Flir, at back, loith platter. 

Bub. (seeing Flit) Ah, Flip! (calling) Here, pst! Flip! 

Flip, (aside) Wliat'sthis? A strange waiter here? 

Bub. Go and tell Mrs. John — I mean Mrs. Don't-bothei-me that 
her five minutes are up. 

Flip. See here ! I'm the only waiter hired for this here ball. 

Bub. (aside) Oh, I see! He takes me for a rival waiter, (aloud) 
Here's a dollar for you, Flip. (gi^es dollar 

Flip, (aside) This waiter gives me a dollar ! It must be Du 
Anonios head waiter. 



U CAUGHT IN THE ACT. 

Enter, Fake, l. 1 e., dressed like Flip, with platter. 

Fake. I've put aside my clarinet and disguised myself as a waiter 
that I might be near Mrs. Johnson. 

Flij:). (seeing Fak'e) What's this — another waiter here ? 

Fake, (to Kubenstein) See here, waiter — I am Prof. Gilcy, 
disguised as a waiter. Keep it mum ! Here's ten cents for you ! 

jiub. (aside) Good! I'll get my money bade again in this way. 

Fake. There's a very cliarming woman at the ball this evening, 
who is a trifle stuck on me. I've a little note here making an ap- 
pointment with her for to-morrow evening in the park. You give 
her this and I'll give you ten cents more. 

Hub. (taking and reading note'^s address) Mrs. Johnson I My 
wife! You scoundrel ! (giving him a kick 

Fake. Oh, here, waiter I 

Enter, Dr. Boliver, at back. 

Bol. What has become of that clarinetist? You haven't seen the 
man that plays the clarinet, have you ? 
Fake, The clarinet? Why, he just left us — he went that way. 

(pointing R. 

Flip. CD j (pointing different directions) Y^'es, he went that w'ay. 

Bol. (astonished) Ah, dear me! Where do all these waiters 
come from? I only hired o«ie. 

Bub. Yes, doctor, you hired Flip here, an old friend of mine — he 
asked me to help him. 

Fake. Me, too ! I'm engaged for the ice cream department. 

Bol, Very well, then, since you are here, get to work — serve the 
company with refreshments. 

Bub. Yes, doctor, but I have an appointment. I am waiting for 
some one. 

Fake. Me, too! 

Bol. Get out with your appointments ! Go on with your platters, 
pass the refreshments (pushinq them 

Flip, 1 
& \ Here you are ! Here you are ! 

Fake, ) 

Bub, (exit back, crying) Ice cream, lemonade, sponge cake ! 

Fake, (exit, "b.., crying) Here you are! Lemonade, lemonade, 
cool refreshing strawberry lemonade ! 

Flip, (exit, L., crying) Beer, cigars, ham sandwiches! 

(they mingle their cries as they disappear 

Bol. Dear me, have I turned a herd of circus candy butchers 
loose in my parlors? (running after them) Here, shut up, will you? 

(exit 
Enter, Mrs. Johnson, l. 1 e., at the moment they exit. 

Mrs, J. (holding Rubenstein's letter— furiously) Oh, I suffocate 
with rage ! To send me this warning— to threaten me with the po- 
lice—the cowardly villain I Instead of leading me with him by 
Idndness, he would have me taken away by policemen. But I will 
not wait for that— I will run away. Oh, where is Montague ? Where 
is the clarinet player ? Where are my students ? Somebody— any- 
l30dy— I don't care who, I hesitated— I will hesitate no longer. I 



CAUGHT IN THE ACT, SB 

will lly to the end of the earth. But where is Mr. Montague ? {see- 
ing him as he appears at door, c.) Ah, there he is ! 

Enter, Montague; she runs to him, takes him by the arm, bring- 
ing him down stage. 

Mont. Ah, dear Mrs. Johnson 

Mrs. J. Adonis Montague, are you a man? 
Mont. I've been told so! 

Mrs. J. Then take me at once— fly away with me. 
Mont, {astonished and joyous) Fly away with you, hut where? 
Mrs. J. To Hoboken, to Paris, to Central Africa, whereve you 
V ish, quick — my cloak — a cab! 
Mont. Oh, at once, my dearest, at once! {runs off, R. 

Enter, Fake, at back, loithout platter. 

Fake. Ah, she is alone — she must have got my letter I {coming to 
her — passionately) Madam, the carriage is at the door. 
Mrs. J. {not recognizing him) Very well, waiter. 
Fake, {aside) Oh, joy,— she accepts ! 

Enter, Montague, vnth cloak, 

Mont. Mrs. Johnson, your cloak. 

Mrs. J. All right; come, let us go! 

Mont. But all is lost, my dear; both doors are guarded by police. 

Fake. Police! Then it might be better to x)Ostpone our little 
promenade. 

Mrs. J. Postpone it — never ! Where are my medical students — 
we Avill force a passage through them. 

Fake, {frightened) Good heavens! 

Mont. No ! I have an idea. This room is on the first floor. By 
bringing the carriage under the balcony, we can escape by the win- 
dow, if you are not afraid. 

Mrs. J. By the Avindow? Good— that suits me! I'm accostomed 
to that ! Al 1 ready — march ! 

Mont. March ! 

Fake. March! {aside) Oh, Lord, my jpoor stomach! 

The three go towards ioindovj,open it, and start back on seeing Kuben- 
STEiN on the balcony, his platter in hand. 

Bub. Lemonade, ice cream, sponge cake I 
Mont. The husband ! 
Mrs. J. Mr. Johnson ! 
Fake. I am caught I 

Enter, Dr. Boliver and Mrs. Bohver, loith guests. 

Omnes, What's the matter? 

Bol, {to RuBENSTEiN, at window) What are you doing in that 
vvindow ? 

Bub. {still in window) I'm about to tell a funny story. The 
dancing seems to be a failure this evening — 

Mrs. B. A waiter tell a stpry to a polite company ? Absurd I 
ridiculous I 



$$ CAUGHT IN THE ACT, 

Mrs. J. And why so? There is no dancing. Let him amuse us. 

Omnes. Yes, yes ! The story ! 

Bol. This party seems to be running itself. 

Biih. {coming down stage, giving tray to Fake) This is a tale from 
the Arabian Nights. It's about "a sultana whose husband kept a 
hotel called "The Repentant Lobster"— at Bagdad. 

Mrs. J. Go on, waiter ! 

Huh. This husband, whose name was Johnson Ben Alia— was a 
thoughtless fellow who did not hesitate to deceive his wife. 

Mrs. J. With a pock-marked huzzy. 

Buh. Ot Bagdad! 

Mrs. B. Oh, that was frightful ! 

FaTce. Disgraceful ! 

Omnes. Abominable I 

Buh. He was a scoundrel— he deserved to be punished. 

Bol. A lovely dancing party, this is ! 

Bub. And he was severely punished. His wife, the sultana, who 
was a French w^oman, from Bagdad, resolved to be revenged. She 
encouraged the attentions of a young bashi bazouk. 

Fake, {aside) He knows all! I am the bazouk. 

Mrs. J. Go on, waiter ! 

Bub. They agreed to elope by the window — a palaquin drawn by 
camels was at the door — the sultana had her cloak on her shoulders 
and her loot on the window sill 

Fake, {aside) This will end in blood. 

Bol. Well, did your sultana escape? 

Bub. (looking at Mrs. Johnson) She 

Mrs,, 7. (with force) She did escape. 

Omnes. What? 

Mrs. J. I know the story as well as this waiter. She did escape 
by the window in spite of her husband — in spite of the policemen — 
in spite of everything. 

All the women. She did quite right. 

Bub. Yes, but under the balcony stood her husband, Johnson 
Ben Alia, with a tumbler of lemonade in his hand, {taking a glass 
from tray Fake is holding) like this. He said to his wife, the sul- 
tana, "Star of the morning, if you desert me I shall not live." 

Omnes, How ? 

Bub, And he slowly took a small paper parcel from his pocket 
{does so) opened it and carefully emj)tied a small white powder 
into the glass of lemonade. {does so 

Mrs. J. {aside) What shall I do? 

Bub. And he stirred it round, and round, and round, then he 
drank it, and five minutes after the royal court physician. Dr. Mo- 
hommet Ben Boliver, swept away his ashes as they prevented the 
ladies from dancing. {jnits glass to his lir>s 

Mrs. J. No — stop — I forgive you ! 

Omnes. Wliat? 

Bub, {embracing her) Dearest Rose! 

Mrs. J. Ah, darling Ruby ! 

Bol. What do you mean, waiter? {trying to separate them 

Bub, No, I am no waiter ! This is my wife— 1 have found my 
Wife at last. 



CAUGHT IN The act, 

Bol. Mrs. Don't-bother-me! (Rubenstein and FaKe take, off 
disguise; general surprise) My tiddler — my clarinet player? What 
a luiiny ball this has been. 

Mrs.' J. Dr. Boliver, in behalf of Mr. Adonis Montague, I ask the 
hand of your niece Cleopatra. 

Mont. One moment, please 

Bol. Say no more, my niece is yours. 

Mont, (aside) What, marry that side show curiosity? Never! 
I'll escape to Canada ! 

Fake, (to Eubenstein; My worthy chief, your experience has 
decided me— j-es, it is settled — I must have a wife ! 

(taking the hand of Susan 

Buh. Young man, if you are about to marry, listen to the advice 
of a repentant lobster, (to all) Never deceive your wife. 

{kisses her 

Omnes. A model husband ! 

Buh. (aside to Fake) Or what amounts to the same thing — don't 
let her catch you at it. (driiiks tumbler of lemonade 

Fake. Hold, man, you forget the white powder! 

Bub. (aside) Keep it dark--it was only granulated sugar, (aloud 
to Mrs. Johnson) Now, Mrs. Johnson, if you will celebrate our 
reconciliation by singing , we will all join in the chorus, {song 



CURTAIN. 



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anguish and final blow — "]S^o wife, a slave!" — Quarrel of Daville and 
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A.CT I.— Home of the Windchester's— Frank West field— Arrival 
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^'Mother Goose's Melodies"— Susan's experience in the stage coach. 
"Only twenty-four, brother." — Christopher Columbns! where am I 
froing?"— "I see you, Frankie."— Susan's opinion of Jane. — Polly — 
Amusing love scene between Susan and Frank Westfield — his aston- 
ishment and terror, as she faints in his arms. — Tableau. 

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A LAUGH ABLE SKKTCII. 

A BED-BOOM SCENE! MUSTARD HAS TAKEN A RISE! 

''WHERE IS THE FLOUR?" 



iimBs' Plays — CantiniiEil. 



72 
19 
42 
ISS 
220 
148 
218 
224 
233 
1.54 
184 
209 
13 
66 
116 
120 
103 

50 
140 
74 
85 
47 
95 
11 



182 
127 
228 
106 
139 
231 
235 

69 

1 

158 

23 
208 
212 

32 
186 

44 

33 

57 
217 
16.5# 
195 
159 
171 
180 

48 
138 
115 

55 
232 
137 

40 

88 
131 
101 
167 

68 

54 



FARCES CONTmUED. 

Deuce is in Him 6 1 

Did i Dream it 4 3 

Domesdc Felicity 1 1 

Dutch Prize Fitchter 3 

D;itchy vs. Nigger 3 

Eh? Wiiat Did You Say 3 1 

Everybody Astonished...* 4 

i'ooling with the Wrong Man 2 1 

Freezing a Mothw-in-Lavv... 2 1 

Fun in a Post Office 4 2 

Family Discipline 1 

Goose with the (> olden Eggs., 6 3 

Give Me Mv Wife 3 3 

Hans, the Dutch J. P 3 1 

Hash 4 2 

H. M.S. Plum 1 1 

How Sister Paxey got her 

Child Baptized 2 1 

How She has Own Way 1 3 

How He Popped the Quest'n. 1 1 

How to Tame M-in-Law 4 2 

How Stout Your Getting 5 2 

In the Wrong Box 3 

In the Wrong Clothes 5 3 

John Smith 5 3 

Juiabo Jam „.. 4 3 

Killing Time 1 1 

Kittie'.^ Wedding Cake 1 3 

Lick Skillet Wedding 2 2 

L'mderbach's Little Surprise 3 

Lodgings for Two 3 

Matrimonial Bliss 1 1 

Matcli for a Mothcr-in-Law.. 2 2 

More Blunders than one 4 3 

Mother'.s Fool 6 1 

Mr. and Mrs. Pringle 7 4 

Mr. Hudson's Tiger Hunt 1 1 

My I'earji's in Highlands 4 3 

,A;y Precious Betsey. 4 4 

My Turn Next 4 3 

M'. Wife's Relations 4 4 

My Day and Now-a.-Days 1 

Obedience 1 2 

On the Sly „ 3 2 

Paddy Miles' Boy 5 2 

Patent Washing Machine 4 1 

Persecuted Dutchman 6 3 

Poor Pilicody 2 3 

Quiel Family 4 4 

Rough Diamond 4 3 

Ripples y.: 2 

Schinips 1 1 

Sewing Circle of Period 5 

S. H. A. M. Pinafore 3 3 

Somebody's Nobody 3 2 

Stage Struck Yankee 4 2" 

Taking the Census 1 1 

That Mysterious B'dle 2 2 

Tiie Bewitched Closet 5 2 

The Cigarette 4 2 

The Coming Man 3 1 

Turn Him Out _ 3 2 

The Sham Prof ssor 4 

The Two T.J's 4 2 



28 Thirty- three Next Birthday.. 4 

142 Tit for Tat 2 

213 Vermont Wool Dealer ».. 5 

151 Wanted a Husband 2 

5 Wiien Women Weep ^ 3 

56 Wooing Under Difficulties-^. 5 

lO AVhich will he Marry 2 

135 Widowei's Trials „ ». 4 

147 Wakuig Him Up J^ 1 

155 Why they Joined the Re- 

beccas 

111 Yankee Duelist .'.'.."' 3 

157 Yaiikee Peddler 7 

ETHIOPIAN FARCES. 

204 Academy of Stars 6 

15 An Unhappy Pair 1 

172 Black Shoemaker '"* 4 

_ 98 Black Statue _.*; 4 

222 Colored Senators 3 

214 Chops J... 3 

145 Cuff's Luck _ "**,' 2 

190 Crimps Trip *.* 5 

„^I Fetter Lane to Gravesend..." 2 

230 Hamlet the Daihty 6 

153 Haunted House .*.'.*.* 2 

24 Handy Andy 2 

236 Hypochondriac The 2 

77 Joe's Vis t ^ 2 

88 Mischievous Nigger „...'.*.'.* 4 

128 Musical Darkey 2 

90 No Cure No Pay ■.""; 3 

61 Not as Deaf as He Seems 3 

234 Old Dad's Cabin 2 

150 OldPompey 1 

109 Other People's Children.*.V.Z 3 

iU Pomp's Pranks 2 

177 Quarrelsome Servants 3 

96 Rooms to Let 2 

107 School .'..".'r..'l' 5 

133 Seeing Posting ."ZZ. 3 

179 Sham Doctor 3 

94 l(i,UUO Years Ago .*..„ 3 

25 Sport with a Sportsman 2 

92 Stage Struck Darkey 2 

10 Stocks Up, Stocks Down 2 

64 That Boy Sam 3 

122 The Select School 5 

US The Popcorn Man 3 

6 The Studio 3 

108 Those Awful Boys ......7." 5 

4 Twain's Dodging 3 

197 Tricks .....:. Z 5 

198 Uncle .Jeff '"■ 5 

170 U. S. Mail T.SZ 2 

216 Vice Versa 3 

206 Villkens and Dinah 4 

2!0 Virginia .Muu mv 6 

203 "W'lio Stole t\u Chickens 1 

205 William Tell 4 

156 Wig-xMaker and His Servants 3 

GUIDE BOOKS. 

17 Hints on Elocution ^ 

130 H^nts to Amateurs .^ 



aa 



CANTATA. 215 On to Victory (with chorus) 25 cents 4 6 



NEW PLI "Kf«|fJ». 



RecGntly Issue 



250* Festival of Days. A series of Tableaux, by Ida M. Buxton, repre- 
senting the memorial clays of the year. Just the thing for an evening's entertain- 
ment, as it is easily produced, requiring no scenery. Time of performance, oilehour. 

251* Millie, the Quadroon; or, Out of Bondage. A drama in 5 

acts, by Lizzie M. Elwyn. (> males, o females; the greatest success of the se -son. 
This drama is replete with fine situations and unlooked for develope.ments. Mirth 
and sadness are well combined— something after the style of "Uncle Tom's Cabin," 
representing scenes in the South bofore slavery was abolished. Costumes modem. 
Time of production, 2 hours. 

252. That A-wrful Carpet-Bag. An original farce, in 3 scenes, by Ad 
H.Gibson. A males, 3 females.. Scene in a hotel; a widow and old maid, whose 
curiosity gets them into embaressing situations. Irish chai'acter immense. Time 
30 minutes. 

253. The Best Cure. An ethiopian farce in 1 act, by C. F. Ingraham. 4 
male, 1 female— exceedingly funny farce. A darkey who was cured of imaginary ill- 
ness—the "cure" will be appreciated by all lovers of fun. Time, 30 minutes, 

254. Dot, the Miuer^s Daughter; or. One Glass of "Wine. A 

temperance drama, in 3 acts, by Lizzie M. Elwyn, author of '"Millie, the Quadroon." 
9 males, 5 females. This is the most ponulat temperance play written since "Turn 
of the Tide" was published. Characters all equally good; two negro cliaracters, 
Ebony and Hapzibati, which are iuunense, and keeps an audience in a continuous up- 
roar. Costumes, modern. Time, 2 hours. 

255. Gertie's Vindication. A domestic drama, in 2 acts, by G. H. Pierce, 
3 males. 3 females. A thoroughly good moral play, showing the truth of the old say- 
ing, "Honesty is the best policy." Jack, the negro, and Ksity. the Irish girl, are 
both exceedingly, good and will keep an audit-nce convulsed with laughter. Cos- 
tumes, modern. Time, one and one-half hours. 

256. Midnight Colic. A sketch in one scene, by D. E. AUyn. 2 males, 
1 female. A most laughable sketch that will please every one. Time of production, 
thirty minutes. 

257. Caught in the Act. Comedy in 3 acts, by Newton ChisnelL 7 
males, 3 females. This comedy is a favorite in the proi'ession, and will take well 
withamatuers— is full of fun, dialogue is sparkling— not a dull speech from begin- 
ning to end. Time of production is about 2 hours. 

^ ; — '"""^O^T^ ^ X> 

MILLIE; THE QUADROON, a 

new Drama, just published from the author's 
original manuscript, it is immense, and will 
give the best of satisfaction to an audieace. 
The scene is laid in the south before slavery 
was abolished. The play is very much after 
the style of Uncle Tom's Cabin. Send for 
a copy. Only 15 cents. 



MIDNIGHT COLIC. a Laughable 

Sketch in one scene. This Sketch with Millie; 
^^ the Quadroon, will make an evening's enter- 

tainment that will please anyaudience. 15c. 



